Friday's Funnies

After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"  "Well, what do you think?" I asked him.  He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper."  He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

Several thousand years ago...

Mayan one: "Okay guys I've finished the calendar!"
Mayan two: "But it only goes up to 12/21/2012"
Mayan one: "Ah don't worry about it we'll make a new one before then. I would have continued on on this stone but I ran out of room."
Mayan two: "Fair enough. Hey, imagine if people thought that the world was gonna end because you couldn't find a bigger stone."
Mayan one: "Yeah, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to think that wouldn't you?"

Health one-liners

Everyone thinks I’m a hypochondriac – it makes me sick.

I have metal filling in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen and that’s why I can’t lose weight.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

You think you have it bad. I got addicted to placebos.

Who are the most decent people in a hospital?  Answer: The ultrasound people.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

Take the health warning about sodium intake with a pinch of salt.

You should consult my doctor, you won’t live to regret it.

I’ve bought a bottle of sleeping tablets, on the label was: WARNING – may cause drowsiness.

50th Wedding Anniversary


On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

The Difference

During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What’s the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."

Recently Seen Bumper Stickers

• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• No sense being pessimistic; it wouldn't work anyway.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I'm so far behind, I think I'm ahead.

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”.  “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”  His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the soda.

Mother-in-Law Suite

Sally, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


"L" Train


One December morning, I headed down the steps to catch my subway, the "L" train. A sign on the platform declared that the line was not running, but there was bus service above-ground. I was rushing back up the stairs when I passed two women descending. "No 'L,'" I gasped as I ran by. "And a Merry Christmas to you too," they called out, continuing down the stairs. 

Friday's Funnies

Shopping

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.  The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???"  The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"  Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love."  "Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."

Tradition


December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt, others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.


The Gift


Three-year-old Josie was helping wrap a present for her father. While they were wrapping, her mother kept reminding her daughter about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, she proudly put it under the tree. When her father came home he saw the present immediately. He asked the little girl, "What is it?" "I can't tell," she said proudly, with a look towards Mom. "It's a surprise." "Can I shake it and guess what's inside?" asked Dad. "No," she replied, "shirts don't rattle."


The Diplomat


While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Dallas is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked Damon this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

Thank you

One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.  However, things were different the following year.  "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.  "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"  "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Swedish Extraction


My 5-year-old daughter was helping set the table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a moment and announced, "Jesus was a Swede." More than a little surprised, I corrected her, "Oh, no, dear, Jesus was born Jewish. I'll read it to you from the Bible after lunch." Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Then her face brightened. "Mommy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in Sunday school this morning." Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head."


Shopping Early


It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," said the prisoner.

Remember This At Christmas Time

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa 's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Gift Exchange

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

A Dieter's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.  Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick, I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watchers dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds, now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn, I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry: If temptation's removed, I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night in the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"  The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my e-mail??!!"

SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS

~ Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here." 

~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." 

~ Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club." 

~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd." 

~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas." 

~ In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due." 

Praying loudly

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."  To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Pregnancy Q &A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Mind Over Matter

My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up; gets it backwards.

Friday's Funnies

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer?   Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer.   Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.  Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten.  The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer.  Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee."   The proof is in the song!

Cheap

Tom went out shopping for a Christmas present for his wife.  "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.   "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.  "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.  Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."  So the clerk handed him a mirror.

The Painting

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, "Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?" "Well, son," explained the father, "they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?"

Exercise one-liners

- Did my morning exercise up 1,2,3, down 1,2,3 – then with my other eyelid.

- Being part of the human race does not count as exercise.

- Hey, I’m still maintaining last year’s New Year’s resolution of one sit-up per day – getting out of bed.

- Been asked to run the London Marathon for charity but I’ve had to decline as I’ve no experience of organizing something that big.

- I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

- The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

- I have signed up with a personal trainer to get ready for swimsuit season. Need to work on my leering.

- I’ve been carbo-loading for the last 40 years in case I ever need to go on a 10,000 mile run.

- I’m on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I’ve only missed one day so far.

- People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.

- I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up weird ways to avoid physical exercise.

- I’ve just spent an hour in a stationary car and am working my way up to a stationary bike.

Timothy's Christmas Story

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.  As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”

Marketing terminology

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,

“He’s very rich. Marry him.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.

You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich. Will you marry me?”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.”

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That’s Customer Feedback!

You’re Next

A young bachelor got tired of old aunts telling him at every wedding, "You're next."  The aunts stopped it after the young man started nudging the old ladies at every funeral, winking and saying, "You're next."

Friday's Funnies

Lessons we can learn from a snowman

- Wearing white is always in style – even after Labor Day.

- Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.

- It’s fun just to hang out in your front yard.

- We’re all made up of mostly water.

- Accessories don’t have to be expensive.

- Don’t get too much sun!

- If you’re a little bottom heavy – hey, that’s okay!

- You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

- If you look down and can’t see your feet – you’re probably not very active.

- Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrous results.

Bush

George W. Bush saw Moses at the grocery store and said, "Hey, aren't you Moses?" Moses said nothing just kept on shopping.  A few aisles over W ran into Moses again, and said "Hey, aren't you Moses?"  Again Moses said nothing.  A few aisles over again George saw Moses and said, "I just KNOW you're Moses!"  This time Moses replied, "Hey, the last time I talked to a Bush, I ended up in the wilderness for 40 years!"

20 Adult Truths.......OH, how true!

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

19. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Advice

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”  The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.”

K-9 mail

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."   He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.  The other dog says, "What was that about?"  The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."

Oops

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.   They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in peace." The owner was frustrated and called the florist to complain.   After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how frustrated he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting frustrated, you should imagine this - somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

More Than Meets The Eye

I canceled camouflage training because no one turned up... Oh, wait a minute...