Friday's Funnies

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your dressing be tasty, may your turkey be plump

May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump

May your yams be delicious, and your pies take the prize

And may your Thanksgiving dinner, stay off your thighs!

Thanksgiving Riddles

Q: What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?
A: A goblet.

Q: I have some relatives with Mohawk haircuts, multiple facial piercings, and multitudinous tattoos. What should I serve them at Thanksgiving?
A: Punk kin pie.

Q: My neighbor served a bird that was infected with salmonella and that she had failed to cook thoroughly. With what did all her guests suffer the next day?
A: The turkey trots.

Q: Am I serving a sweet potato casserole this year?
A: I yam.

Q: Why did the first settlers have so much trouble harvesting their corn?
A: They had to make their way through the maize.

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if...

~ You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping pong table.

~ Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

~ You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

~ Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

~ Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

~ Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

~ Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

~ Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

~ You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

~ You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

~ You have an Elvis jello mold.

~ You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

Thanksgiving Weather

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 165F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
  9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
  8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
  7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
  6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
  5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
  4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
  3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
  2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
  1. You're sweating gravy.

Today’s Thought

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Friday's Funnies

Technology

A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time.  They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, "Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?" she asked.  "I don't rightly know, girl," the mother replied.   Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out.  The mother leans over to her daughter and says, "Girl, go and get your Pa!"

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"  The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."  "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

One Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."  The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."  The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Comebacks To Unsolicited Sales Callers

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers:

~ "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."

~ In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

~ "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"

~ When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."

~ When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."

~ "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

~ Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

~ To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)

~ Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4

Dating Again

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.  Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

Accident

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.   "My goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"  "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine," the lady chirped.  "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.  "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me.  So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!  I swerved to the right and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."

Today’s Thought

Exactly how do you get off a non-stop flight?