Friday's Funnies

A QUIZ FOR OUR VERY BRIGHT READERS  (answers at the end)

 

There are only nine questions. This is a quiz for people who know everything. These are not trick questions - they are straight questions with straight answers... 

 

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

 

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

 

3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

 

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

 

5. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

 

6. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

 

7. Name the only vegetable AND fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

 

8. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

 

Bad Trip

 

My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then.  "All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name."  She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to change the name."

 

Reasons You Should Buy a New Car

 

- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

- Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

- You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

- The 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for three days.

- When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

- Thieves repeatedly break in to your car just to steal the "Club."

- While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and ask if anyone was hurt.

- For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

- You keep losing dates on left turns.

 

Fitness Class

 

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class.  To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.  "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises."  The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"  "Twenty-six," I replied.

 

HOW TO WRITE GOODER

 

Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:

 

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best.

16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be avoided.

20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

22. Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

ANSWERS TO QUIZ:

 

1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls ... The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Strawberry.

5. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

6. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

7. Lettuce & Watermelon

8. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Friday's Funnies

Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.  The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"  The driver had put, "Full gallop."

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21-year-old roommate.  "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."  "Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."

Golf Questions

Jill:   I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Mary:   TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill:   Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Mary:   I thought I asked legitimate questions ... like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"

Medical Condition

I'm allergic to food — I break out in fat.

Rags To Riches

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune. The old guy looked at him, hooked his thumbs in the pockets of his expensive worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent a few minutes polishing the apple and sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent a few minutes polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month and by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $6.40. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

How's That Again?

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

You’re next

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs, cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Short Groaners

Q: What do you get when you "hit" a boulder with a stick?

A: Rock Music

Q: What do you get when you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink?

A: Baking soda.

As an x-ray tech walked down the aisle to exchange marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, "I wonder what she saw in him?"

Don't trust atoms...they make up everything.

Signs Your Church Has Sold Out To Corporate Sponsors

~ Personal pew licenses now sold

~ Luxury pews with wet bar and satellite TV

~ Bulletin has coupon section

~ Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercard emblems on them

~ Handicap parking sponsored by the Family Medical Group, LLC

~ Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC

~ Sunday morning televised services sponsored by the FOX network

~ Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes

~ Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front

~ Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo

~ Church flag football team sponsored by the NFL

Night Out Dancing

A husband, who is not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife's months of nagging to take her out dancing. During the evening one guy on the dance floor is giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.  Seeing this performance, the wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."  Her husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Today’s Thought

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

 

Friday's Funnies - Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine's Day.  "Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag," replied Tony.  That was very kind of you," Johnny added, "I hope she appreciated the thought."  Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

 

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

 

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

 

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

 

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."

 

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

 

Lost and Found

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared. The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???" The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?" Wife, with a smile, blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love." "Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."

Falling In Love

What happens when you fall in love with:

• A chef?  He spices up your life.
• A chauffeur?  In his eyes, you take a back seat to no one.
• A telephone operator?  He reaches out, touches your heart, and you always have a special connection.
• A clockmaker?  He always makes time for you.
• A pastry cook?  He spends all his dough on you.
• A shoe salesman?  Your sole is lifted up.
• A jogger?  He's there for you when you're run down.

Lame Excuses Why Men Forget a Gift on Valentine's Day

• The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?
• I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.
• The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best.
• I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!
• I left a voice message to meet me for dinner. Where were you?
• I didn't know you liked jewelry.
• I thought we would do something different this year.
• You didn't remind me.

What NOT To Give Her For Valentine's Day

• A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
• Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
• Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
• Workout equipment, any power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
• Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
• An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"

Valentine Quotes

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards." — Benjamin Franklin
"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner." — Red Skelton

Today’s Thought

If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Friday's Funnies

New Profit Center

A savvy mom decided to stop worrying about her teenager's driving and take advantage of it. She got a bumper sticker for his car that said "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, she's been making $38 a week.

Modern Art

Two teenagers were on a tour of a modern art gallery. They suddenly found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture and were staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes.  One of them exclaimed, "We had better get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place!"

Odds & Ends

•  Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

•  I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

•  Old age is coming at a really bad time!

•  When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

•  The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

•  I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

•  I smile because you are my sister-in-law and laugh because you married my brother!

•  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

•  The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

•  I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

•  Even duct tape can't fix stupid — but it can muffle the sound!

•  Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

•  Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW!

•  Of course I talk to myself — sometimes I need expert advice.

Poor Choice of Words

Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is.  "Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."  "What kind of question?" asked Steve.  "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly."  "That's easy," said Steve. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"  "Yeah," said Dewey, "that's what I meant to say, except I said, 'Of course I DO...'"

These are actual comments made by police officers:

~ "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

~ "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

~ "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

~ "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

~ "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

~ "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you *another* ticket."

~ "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

~ "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

~ "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Baby Wrap

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.  As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"  "Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."  "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?" 

A Great Cup of Tea

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?  I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu.  Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read.  And then she showed up with a cup of tea.  "You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."  "Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."  "You what?"  And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

Today’s Thought

How come all the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?