Friday's Funnies

Easter

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"  "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"

You Know You're Too Intense When...

~ You can achieve a "runner's high" by sitting up.

~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

~ The sun is SO loud.

~ You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

~ You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

~ You can hear mimes.

~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

~ You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.

~ You and Reality file for divorce.

~ You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

~ You can skip without a rope.

~ You can travel without moving.

~ Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. 

~ You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before...

Easter jokes

Why did the Easter egg hide?

He was a little chicken!

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?

Only one – after that it’s not empty anymore!

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?

It might crack up!

How does Easter end?

With the letter R!

How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?

He said it was eggs-cellent!

What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?

A funny bunny!

What’s the best way to send a letter to the Easter Bunny?

Hare mail!

How does the Easter Bunny travel?

By hare plane!

How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur neat?

With a hare brush!

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?

With a hare-dryer!

How does a rabbit keep his fur looking good?

With hare spray!

Why did the bunny go to the dance?

To do the bunny hop!

What kinds of books do bunnies like?

Ones with hoppy endings!

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?

Because it has four rabbit’s feet!

Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?

He was having a bad hare day!

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after!

What do you call a dumb bunny?

A hare brain!

Jelly Belly’s

My pastor and his extended family were playing the game Jelly Belly's Bean Boozled at a holiday gathering. (In the game you spin and it lands on a jellybean color with two possible flavors - one good and one bad. For instance, black could be licorice or skunk spray. You have to eat it without knowing which it will be.)

During the game his 8-year-old grandson spun the color for pear or boogers. The grandson was a bit skittish about eating the jellybean. His father leaned over to him and whispered, "Son, it shouldn't be bad. You eat your boogers all the time."

To which his son promptly replied, "Yeah Dad, but I hate pears."

Today’s Thought

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

Friday's Funnies

So Busy

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

Positively Negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Super Bowl Postscript

My mother hates sports, so after being forced to go to a football game with her grandchildren, this was her conclusion: Football consists of twenty-two men on the field desperately in need of a rest and 40,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.

Building Plans

Recently, when a hospital panel, made up of doctors, was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, this is what happened....

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst."
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And so… the new wing didn't fly!

Done With Class

Even though I'm well into my 30s, I still stop by my parents’ house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time. "It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. Then he asked me, "Why are you still doing your folks' yard?" "Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a straight face. I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

-        Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

-        Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.

-        Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

-        No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

-        Catfood dish replaced with a trough.

-        Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.

-        It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

-        She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull.

-        Has more chins than lives.

Golf Shot

It was a sunny Saturday morning and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"  Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"  Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Service

10.  There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9.  The pews have camper hookups.

8.  You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra CDs on hand to record today's sermon.

7.  The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6.  The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5.  The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4.  When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3.  The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2.  Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon

1.  The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only September!

Today’s Thought

Thank the Lord for Facebook. Otherwise I'd have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.

Friday's Funnies

Career Goals

Guy 1:  "Has your little boy decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
Guy 2:  "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector."
Guy 1:  "That's a rather unusual ambition, isn't it?"
Guy 2:  "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays."

Puns & Such

• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Corduroy pillows make headlines.
• Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• A backwards poet writes inverse.

You Know You Are Living in 2016 When...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN # on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.... :-)
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly with whom you are going to share this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Thankfulness In Action

A volunteer firefighter was grocery shopping when his pager went off. He ran out, leaving his cart in an aisle. When he returned he found the cart full with his list on top and a note reading: "I finished your shopping for you. Thanks for helping the community."

Modern Writers' Similes & Smiles

• "From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy!' comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."
• "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
• "He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
• "Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."
• "Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."
• "John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."
• "The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."
• "His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underwear in a dryer without Cling Free."

Signs Your Pastor Is Addicted To Westerns

~ His sermon on Revelation is titled "Showdown at High Noon."

~ At the end of the service, he replaces altar call with "roundup."

~ Refers to the Deacons Meetings as "a campfire chat."

~ Keeps referring to "brothers" as Hoss and Little Joe.

~ Walks into the pulpit with a hearty, "Hi-Yo Silver"

~ Always refers to his Bible as "my Six-Shooter."

~ Forces ushers to tie bandanas around their faces and pass around ten-gallon cowboy hats instead of offering plates.

~ When performing a wedding, he begins the ceremony with, "Howdy Pardners."

~ Constantly threatens to preach well past "high noon."

~ He insists on being addressed as "Reverend Duke."

~ Refers to the next churchwide fellowship dinner as "gathering around the chuckwagon."

~ His new three-week sermon series: "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

~ Asks for the song "Rawhide" to be sung as a call to worship.

Tire Blowout

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this -- it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working -- let's ship it!"

Today’s Thought

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

Friday's Funnies

Leftovers

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a TV producer and he calls them reruns."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

Weighing In

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.  One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.  Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!" 

How to describe someone who's...uh...you know...

~ Lights are on, nobody's home.

~ A few clowns short of a circus.

~ A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

~ Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

~ Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

~ The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

~ One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

~ One taco short of a combination plate.

~ Fell out of the family tree

~ A few feathers short of a whole duck.

~ The cheese slid off his cracker.

~ Body by Fisher; brains by Mattel.

~ An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

~ As smart as bait.

~ Chimney's clogged.

~ Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

~ His sewing machine's out of thread.

~ Slinky's kinked.

~ Surfing in Nebraska.

~ Too much yardage between the goal posts.

~ Big like ox; smart like tractor.

~ A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

~ Shirt size: large. Cap size: small.

~ Room temperature IQ.

~ A few box cars short of a full trainload.

~ Missing a hard-drive.

~ Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

~ Not the brightest crayon in the box.

~ A few Pinata's short of a fiesta.

~ Not firing on all thrusters.

~ Two cards short of a full deck.

~ Three dots short of an ink-blot test.

Dad's Money

A kid has been using a lot of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?"

"Yeah," says the kid.

"Well, it doesn't," says the dad.

"So what is money made out of, Dad?"

"Paper," the dad says.

"And what is paper made out of?"

Signs

•             Stealing someone's coffee is called mugging.

•             Pasteurize: too far to see.

•             The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

•             No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

•             Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery.

•             Whoever invented "knock-knock" jokes should get a "no-bell" prize.

•             I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.

No Pets Allowed

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."  The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."  The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.  The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."  The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."  The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"  The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."  The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."  The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."  The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."  The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"  The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??

Leftovers

The minister's wife was a wonder at conserving food and rarely had to throw away a bit of it. At one meal she gave her pastor husband nothing but leftovers that the parson viewed with great disdain. He began to pick at the food, causing his wife to say, "Dear, you forgot the blessing." "Listen, sweetheart, if you can show me one item that hasn't been blessed at least two times, I can't see what another prayer can do for it."

Today’s Thought

If you think time heals everything, try sitting in a doctor's waiting room.