Friday's Funnies

Hardest Things To Say

Three hardest things to say... 1. I'm sorry; 2. I was wrong; 3. Worcestershire sauce

Remember:  Senior Citizens Are Valuable

We have silver in our hair.

We have gold in our teeth.

We have stones in our kidneys.

We have lead in our feet and...

We are loaded with natural gas.

The Make-Work Project

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Funeral Expenses

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand." "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."

Cute

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

Short Ponderations

·        Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

·        Daylight Savings Time — Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

·        Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

·        When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

·        A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.

·        Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

• I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows...and a foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts, and...
• People are funny. They spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
• I went shopping for cherries and microphone stands the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.
• I went to the bank and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me.

Duh

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class. Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked. "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply. Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two." "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."

Groaner: The Merger

Mary owned and operated a small nursery that was renowned for its magnificent chrysanthemums.  Her neighbor Jack had a small kennel, where he raised purebred dalmatians.  They merged in the hope that they could combine the two and grow it into an online sales .com.  Unfortunately, the flower business wilted and the market for dalmatians was spotty, so it remained a small "mum and pup" operation.

What You Asked....

On a test, the confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote: "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

Cheerio

Heard on a London Bus: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Stuck in an Elevator

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.  After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you. I'm a psychologist."  "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"  "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

Today’s Thought

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Friday's Funnies

Characteristics Of The Lite Church (everything you always wanted in a church and less)

7. Guaranteed 30-minute sermon or your next one's free!

6. Your choice of only 8 commandments

5. Only happy hymns and choruses

4. Fewer commitments

3. No messages on subjects that hit too close to home

2. Reclining pews with pillow pads and head rests

1. Offering followed by a complimentary beverage and after service mint

Detroit

"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Chevy, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Buick."  "Really? What did he get?"  "Fifteen years for theft."

Wise Professor

A professor gathered the papers after a test and found a $100 bill attached to one of them with a note saying: "A dollar per point." When the professor returned the graded tests, the student got $64 change.

Bored

I'm bored. I think I'll go to the mall, find a parking spot, and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.

Social Worker

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts was transferred to the plains of Oklahoma. She was on her first tour of her new territory, when she came across the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. She was intrigued by the size and the quaintness of the little cabin, so she went up and knocked on the door.  “Anybody home?” she asked. A kid’s voice came through the door, “Yep.” “Is your father there?” “Pa, no, he left afore Ma was in.” “Well, is your mother there?” Ma? Nope, she left afore I got here.”  The social worker was thinking it over and thought that this could be a situation that might warrant intervention. She said, “But, are you never together as a family? The kid answered through the door again, “Sure we are, but not here. Are you kidding? In the outhouse!”

Idea

If you answer the phone with, “Hello? You’re on the air!” most telemarketers will hang up.

The Plan

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

Say It Out Loud

What do you call the wife of a hippie? (And where does she live?) Mrs. Hippie.

What did they call the knight who retreated from the battle? Sir Render.

Why did Jesus use Splenda? Every believer knows He had no Equal.

Oh, No!

An accordion player is driving home late one night after playing a concert. He's tired and hungry so he stops at an all-night diner for a bite to eat. Halfway through his meal he realizes that although he locked his car doors, his accordion is in the back seat, in plain sight! He rushes out to his vehicle — but he is too late. The windows are already smashed and someone has thrown in two more accordions.

Puns

~ Without geometry, life is pointless.

~ When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

~ Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).

~ In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ A plateau is a high form of flattery.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Promotion

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"  "Thanks," said the employee.  "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"  "Uuuh ... Thanks, Dad?"

Today’s Thought

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

Friday's Funnies

Valentine’s Day

A fellow decided to buy his girl some perfume for Valentine's day, so he went to the cosmetic counter in his girl's favorite store. The prices were horrific! No matter what the sales lady showed him, even the tiniest bottles were beyond his budget.  Finally, he asked her: "Can you show me something really cheap?"  She handed him a mirror.

Do You Love Me?

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Vickie on Valentine's Day. "Mmm hmm," replied Wendell. "Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?" "Mmm hmm." "Do you think my lips are like rose petals?" "Mmm hmm." "Oh Wendell," gushed Vickie, "you say the most beautiful things!"

The Gift

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine's Day. "Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag," replied Tony. "That was very kind of you," Johnny added, "I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

Bad Excuses Why Men Forgot A Gift On Valentine’s Day

~ The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?

~ I sent a candy-gram. Someone must have eaten it.

~ The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the very best.

~ I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? Google must have messed up again!

~ I didn't know you liked jewelry.

~ I thought we would do something different this year.

~ You didn't remind me.

Its Got To Be Love

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.  One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that."  The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."

Who would have thought...

...that when you wished your kids didn't need you so much, you would someday wish that they did?
...that when there wasn't enough time in the day, you might someday wonder how to fill your free time?
...that when you couldn't wait to get your driver's license, you would someday try to decide when to give it up?
...that you would finally have more than enough stuff?
...that grandchildren grow even faster than children?
...that when people told you to enjoy your (time, education, job, kids, friends, health, spouse, etc.), you would someday realize why?
...that some people are grateful no matter what, and some are ungrateful no matter what?
...that when you struggled to make ends meet, they finally would?
...that each day can be a blessing and a chance to be a blessing to others?
...that a smile, a touch and a listening ear are worth more than expensive presents?
...that there's always something new to learn?
...that you would never get tired of watching a sunset, a rainbow, or a baby's first steps?
...that the best things in life really ARE free?

Wisdom

Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.

College Funds

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money. Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid. So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she got back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" Mom said, "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000" "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy???" "Don't worry Hon," Mom said, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his calculus book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19."

Meet The Parents

One night, a daughter brought her boyfriend home to meet her parents. Upon first sight, the parents were astounded and appalled by his appearance - leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and a pierced nose (and tongue they found out later at dinner).  At a discreet time, the parents pulled their daughter aside and diplomatically told Candi, "We are not sure about him, he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the blonde daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

The Farmer's Wagon

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon, loaded with corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.  "Hey Jon!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come into the house with me and the Mrs, and have a bite to eat. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."  "That's mighty nice of you, "Jon answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."  "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.  "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."  After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."  "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"  "Under the wagon."

Today’s Thought

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Friday's Funnies

Church

Pastor to Farmer: "I missed seeing you at service on Sunday."

Farmer to Pastor: "Well, I had some hay to put up.  I figured it was better to sit in a hay baler thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Recovery

I went into the Hokey Pokey clinic and I turned myself around.

This Explains It

I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my body while in the shower. It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the extra suds on my body instead of soap. Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo bottle "for extra volume and fullness." No wonder why I can't lose weight! Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower. It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted deposits that other soaps leave behind!

A Different Beat

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Unlicensed

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. "My goodness," he exclaimed. "You are quite old to be driving!" "Yes," he replied. "I am old enough that I don't even need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket. 'You won't be needing this anymore,' he said. So I thanked him and left."

The Warnings

A state trooper stopped a Congressman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed him a ticket, the Congressman asked, "Don't you give out warnings?" "Yes, sir," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 65.'"

The DMV

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me. I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?" She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?" I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

Quick Takes

A dimwit calls to order a pizza. The clerk asks, "Do you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?" The caller answers, "Oh just six - I could never eat 12 pieces of pizza!"

My hobbies: (1) Eating. (2) Complaining that I am getting fat.

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. "It's taped under the modem," I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, "Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?"

How To Write Good

-        Avoid alliteration. Always.

-        Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

-        Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

-        Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

-        One should never generalize.

-        Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

-        Be more or less specific.

-        Sentence fragments? Eliminate.

-        Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

-        Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

-        Who needs rhetorical questions?

Understanding Me

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

The Respite

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour. This continued for several days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"

Today’s Thoughts

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.