Friday's Funnies

After Christmas

Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy, am I ever tired." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night and three today, and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are YOU so tired?" "Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

Q&A

Q: What do we have in December that we don't have in any other month?
     A: The letter "D"!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
     A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Dream

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"  "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly.  At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.   There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Wacky Warning Labels

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."

A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

A snowblower warns, "Do not use snowthrower on roof."

A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks."

A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."

A household iron warns users "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, "Not intended for highway use."

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

A bathroom heater says, "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users, "May irritate eyes."

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says, "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns, "Caution - Risk of Fire."

DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.

New Year’s Resolutions

The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up. It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.

- Anonymous

My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.

- Greg Tamblyn

If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.

- Greg Tamblyn

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

- Bill Vaughan

Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.

- Greg Tamblyn

Wait a second, there's ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???

- Jake Vig

Today’s Thoughts

My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Friday's Funnies

Ways to Annoy Your Roommate During Christmas

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")

~ Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

Three Wishes

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

Bethlehem

A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?"  A student replied, "Because his mother was there."

Things that make you go hmmmmmm

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

The Night Before Christmas in Texas

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas you know, Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue, A'dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds, For this was Texas, What more need be said?

When all of a sudden from out the still night, There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun, A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.

The driver was whistling and shouting with a will, The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right", There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight.

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red, Had a 10-gallon Stetson on the top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight, With his beard so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke, And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore, That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think? And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl, TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

Today’s Thought

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

Friday's Funnies

After Thanksgiving Exercise Program

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this holiday season. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!

NOW SCROLL DOWN...

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NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day. We trust you survived!!

You Know You Are Living in 2016 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

  

I'm So Tough

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."  "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."  "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour!"

Evidence

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."  The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."  The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

A Lot Of Good That Did!

I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.  Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?"

Maitre D’

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and two Africans all walk into a fine restaurant.  "I'm sorry," says the maitre d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai… "

Today’s Thought

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.