Creation
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear, Mom?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and those children grew and had children and eventually so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. He answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and apes from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God making Adam and Eve, and Dad said we developed from monkeys and apes?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple; I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Cash Extraction
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out. "I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started. "I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."
Very Punny
Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine. When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."
Life's Little Truisms
- Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- Always read and do stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- Never buy a car you can't push.
- Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
- Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
- Remember — the second mouse gets the cheese.
- When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
- Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
- You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
- We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
High cost of free
Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used. “My sons,” was the reply. “They both have degrees in Computer Science.” “So you get that kind of work done for nothing,” the friend marveled. The co-worker smiled. “Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free.”
Deep Hole
Two southern gentlemen(from Oklahoma) are out hunting, and as they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says, "I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "There's an old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over; count one, two, and three; and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
- You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
- You know what a tuque (toque?) is
- You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
- You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
- You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color
- You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
- Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
- You drive on a highway, not a freeway
- You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
- You understand the sentence, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine.”
- You drink pop, not soda
- You love your fries with poutine
- You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
- You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
- “Eh” is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of “eh”… eh?
