Friday's Funnies

 

Organic

 

I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables, but when I get home they're REGULAR donuts.

 

Southernisms

 

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them — you pitch a hissie fit, and throw a conniption fit.

 

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish are in "a mess."

 

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

 

Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is _ as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

 

All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

 

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

 

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we stand in "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

 

True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

 

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

 

Only true Southerners say "sweet milk." "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

 

And a true Southerner knows you don't yell at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her little heart...!" and go on your way.

 

Wedding Rehearsal

 

During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.  On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged.  The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"  The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"  The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return, "She made me a much better offer."

 

Explain That one!

 

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.  Their Uber arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs.  They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the car while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.  The wife, worried about some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the Uber driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."  A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her."

 

How To Get To Heaven

 

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"  The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."  The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."  The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office."

 

Ever Think About It?

 

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"

 

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

 

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

 

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I don't want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.

Friday's Funnies

 Bystander

 

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

 

The Extra Mile

 

I don't remember going the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Preacher

 

The Preacher awoke one Sunday morning and saw it was a beautiful day, and thought to himself, “I don't want to go to church today.” He called his associate and said, "I'm sick, would you preach for me today?" His associate assured him he would.  St. Peter looked at God and said, "Are you going to let him get by with that?" 

God said, "No I'm not."

The preacher put his golf clubs in the trunk of car and drove fifty miles away to a golf course where no one knew him. Once again St. Peter said, "God, are you going to let him get by with that?"

God said, "No I'm not."

The preacher teed up the ball and hit it. It flew like it had never flown before, about 350 yards, bounced about three times and went into the hole for a hole in one.  St. Peter looked at God and said, "God, are you going to let him get away with that?" God smiled and said, "Who is he going to tell?"

Dieting Buddies

 

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.  "Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."  "Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."

 

Forecast from the Fifties

 

(1) "I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

(5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

(6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

(7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

(8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

(09) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

Please Don't Let Me Be Late

 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"  As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.  As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."

Potty Humor

 

1. While being potty trained, a child is being "coached" by grandma. Grandma says: "Luke, just think of the little train that could. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can..." The boy responds: "Grandma, trains don't poop."

2. One of our nieces is very outgoing and sings many songs often getting the words and the tune correct. However, once in a while she errs. While using the potty, she sang in a loud voice: "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to..."

3. A niece sang this popular nursery rhyme: "London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my bare lady."

Signs You Might Not Be Reading Your Bible Often Enough

 

• You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.
• You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.
• You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
• Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
• You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

 

Today’s thought

 

Stealing someone's coffee is called mugging.

Friday's Funnies

 

Magnets

A first-grade teacher is giving a science quiz to her students about magnets. "My name begins with the letter 'M'," she says, "and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny raises his hand and blurts out the answer. "You're a mom."

Ladies and the Restaurant

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean House restaurant because the waiters there were so cute.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean House restaurant because the food there was wonderful, and the wine selection was also good.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean House restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean House restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean House restaurant because they had never been there before.

New Book On Golf

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt…

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the Tee.

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round.

Chapter 6 - When a Divot Becomes Classified as Sod.

Chapter 7 - How to Find That Ball in the Rough That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.

Chapter 8 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care that You Birdied the 5^th Hole.

Chapter 9 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee.

Chapter 10 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponents Even Though You're a 20 plus Handicapper.

Chapter 11 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique.

Chapter 12 - How to Make a 7 Add up To a Five On The Scorecard.

Chapter 13 - How to Mark Your Ball and Replace it 2 feet Closer to The Hole.

Chapter 14 - 7 Very Convincing Apologies for After You Have Intentionally Stepped In The Line Of Your Opponent.

Chapter 15 - How to Cleverly Make a Whiff Look Like a Practice Swing.

Don't miss the sequel to this book, "Creative Scorekeeping".  Coming soon to a bookstore near you...!

Puns for Educated Minds

- A mans’ home is his castle in a manor of speaking.

- Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

- Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

- Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- When two egotists meet it’s an I for an I.

- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tired.

- What’s the definition of a will? (Hint – It’s a dead give away.)

- She was engaged to a chap with a wooden leg but she broke it off.

- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

- If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

- You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

- Every calendar’s days are numbered

- A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine!

- Money talks. Mine keeps saying “Goodbye!”

Today’s Thought

Walk behind a car and you'll get exhausted. Walk in front of a car and you'll get tired.

Friday's Funnies

 

Things Change

If you had told me back in the 1970s that the people sitting in church were "spaced out," I would have worried. 

Ponderings

1. If poison passes it’s expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
3. Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. 
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

  
Six Great Confusions Still Unresolved
  
1. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?
2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
4.  Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
 
Vagaries Of English Language
 
1. Ever wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
2. Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?
3. How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
5. If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
6. How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
7. Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
8. Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
9. Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
10. Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
11. How come Noses run and Feet smell?
12. Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?
13. What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

Diet

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

They Know 

The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said. I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed." "We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?" "A student told me," I answered. "We'll send someone over right away."

Complain Away

Actual Complaints Received By Thomas Cook Vacations From Dissatisfied Customers:

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

"The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during siesta time. This should be banned."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

"Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

"When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

"I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

Kidnapper

"We have your son," said the kidnapper.  "I don't have a son," says the woman.  "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"  "Oh no, you have my husband."

Today’s Thought

One way to find out if you're old is to fall in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic and start running toward you, you're old.