Friday's Funnies

The importance of learning a foreign language

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.  "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Getting Fit

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape. So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Definitions

No English dictionary has been able to explain adequately the difference between the two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.

Amazing

A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time. One day he loses the wrench. He looks everywhere for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man starts singing, "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."  [Insert groan here.]

Getting older

•When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends. They’ll never share them because they can’t remember them.

•At my age, I don’t want to eat health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

•You can’t be young forever, but immaturity can last a life time.

•Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

•You know you’re getting old when you look in the mirror to shave and realize that the face you’re looking at is your father’s.

•Isn’t it nice that wrinkles don’t hurt?

•I knew I was getting bald because it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.

•I started out with nothing … I still have most of it.

•I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

•Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

•Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

•It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

Two guys were fishing on a river

One catches the biggest catfish either one had ever seen. He says to his buddy, "We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again."

His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big 'X' on the bottom of his boat.

The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. "You idiot! What if we bring another boat next time?"

New glasses

A woman walks into the optometry store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased the week before.  “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?” the optometrist inquired.  “Well, I bought these glasses for my husband last week and they’re just not working,” the woman complained.  “Perhaps the lab made an error in filling the prescription.”  “I’m sure they must have,” the woman confirmed. “My husband’s still not seeing things my way.”

Good point

Doctor: "You're in great shape for your age, but I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger."

Elderly Patient: "Who asked you to make me younger?  Just make sure I get older!"

Dad's salary

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.  The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”  The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”  The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

A Sign From Above

Spotted on a church marquee: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them."

Today’s thought

Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and recorded every day like those of a baseball player.

Friday's Funnies

Lumber order

Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard?  One of them walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”  “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” the clerk said.  “Let me go check,” replied the man, and he went back to the truck.  “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours,” he said, returning a few moments later.  “Alright. How long do you need them?”  The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, “I’d better go check.”  After a while he returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re building a house.”

A few more Puns

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington, obviously government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too…

Easy Access

Did you hear the one about the bank where the employees went on strike, leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks? While the strike was on, a customer called the bank to ask if they were open. They told her that they had two windows open. After a pause, the caller inquired, "Can't I just come through the front door?"

Unusual Headlines

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant" (See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
"War Dims Hope for Peace" (I can see where it might have that effect!)
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" (You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors" (Boy, are they tall!)

Letter of Resignation

Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary explained in her letter of resignation: "Dear Boss, My reason for leaving will soon be apparent. And so will I. (Signed) Mary"

Experience Pays

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?" Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.

School Excuses

The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:

• "Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."
• "Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."
• "George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."
• "Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
• "Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."
• "My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."
• "Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."

Smart lady

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her pastor she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.  "Wal-Mart?" the pastor exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"  "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Duh

A man was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What's happening?"  The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the city zoo."  "Oh no! Which way is it heading?"  "Well, you don't think we're chasing it, do you?" 

New driver

Junior had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out the driveway where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.  "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beamish boy to the 'ole man..  "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of yer seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Today’s thought

Seen on the back of a septic company truck: "A flush beats a full house."

Friday's Funnies

A Child's Prayer

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Business Signs

Bakery:  "It's nice to be kneaded."

Car Dealership:  "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Computer Store:  "Out for a quick byte."

Operating Room Entrance:  "May I Cut In?"

Photographer's Studio:  "Out to Lunch: If not back by five, out for Dinner also."

Podiatrist's Office:  "Time wounds all heels."

Proctologist's Door:  "To expedite your visit, please back in."

Propane Filling Station:  "Tank heaven for little grills."

Sanitarium Door:  "Nobody leaves here mad."

Store Window:  "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

Undertaker's Window:  "Drive carefully. We can wait."

Waterbed Shop:  "Your vinyl resting place."

Deal

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar."  All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get FOUR for a dollar!"  Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.  The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"  "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Golf

Ted was struggling with his golf game so he enlisted the help of Bob, the club pro.  After observing Ted's game through nine holes, Bob said, "I think I know your primary problem."  Ted was eager for some answers: "What is it?" he asked.  Bob replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you hit it."

Soak your feet

A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet.  “It’s all those years of standing,” his doctor declared. “You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you’ll feel better.”  When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.  “How much for two buckets of that seawater?” he asked the lifeguard.  “A dollar a bucket,” the fellow replied with a straight face.  The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, “Help yourself.”  The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out.  “Wow,” he said, turning to the lifeguard. “Some business you got here!”

More Puns

I changed my i Pod’s name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

Details

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."  Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."  The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."

Friday's Funnies

Mind games

Pizza Delivery Kid: "Here's your pizza, sir!"

Grouchy Customer:  "What's the usual tip?"

Pizza Kid: "I'm new at this, but the other guys said if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

Grouchy Guy: "Is that so? In that case, here's five dollars."

Pizza Kid: "Thanks, I'll put it in my college fund."

Grouchy Guy: "College, eh? What are you studying?"

Pizza Kid: "Applied psychology."

Old is when...

“Old” is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

“Old” is when your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

“Old” is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Air-heads

Did you hear about the two air-heads who froze to death in a drive-in movie?  They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

New computer

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual.  I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.  He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.  “Sir,” I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”  “Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”

Rubbish ambition

I recently asked a friend, ‘Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?’  ‘Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector’, my friend replied.  I had to think about that one for a moment. ‘That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career,’ I finally managed to reply.  ‘Well,’ said the boy’s father, ‘he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays’.

Proud Mom

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don't want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it's doing.

The Question

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

A few groaners

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

8. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: “Keep off the Grass.”

9. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

Price comparison

A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher how much a pound of tenderloin is.  "$12 per pound," replies the butcher.  "Are you sure? That can't be," says the lady.  "Look, madam, it says right here on the card that it's $12 per pound."  "But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the area."  "Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of beef."  "No, the butcher across the street said it was $9 per pound," she says.  "Well, then, why don't you go buy it there?" asks the butcher.  "Because they are all out."  "Well, when I'm all out, I sell it for $8 per pound," retorts the butcher. 

Today’s Thought

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.