Friday's Funnies

A Proper Burial

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather.... and unto the Sonnnn ....and into the hole he gooooes."

Unbiased Opinions

My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful." A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

The Proof

During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired. The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girlfriend," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"

Answering machine message

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

A real person

Staffing the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

Helping the environment

Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

Aging words

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?...."I'm four and a half" ....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES! But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away.... So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday....You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas ....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. It doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards...I was JUST 92... Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!"

Password

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital…

One too many flower shops

Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.

Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.

Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds. The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.