Friday's Funnies

 High Society

Remembering their anniversary was coming up, Dave told his wife Marylou he would take her out to dine like royalty.  Later when her mother asked how their dinner date went, Marylou reported, "we started out at Burger King and wound up at Dairy Queen."

Need Help?
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.  After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you. I'm a psychologist."  "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"  "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

A Cheerful Heart

One of our good friends was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing. "Reggie," scolded his father, "why are you laughing during prayer?"  "But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as a friend, and I just told him a joke."

Signs and Thoughts

·        Frog parking only.  All others will be toad.

·        I want to grow my own food but I can't find bacon seeds.

·        This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

·        I checked into the hokey pokey clinic and I turned myself around.

·        If your car is running I'm voting for it.

·        What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

·        I'd like to start dieting ... but I have too much on my plate right now.

·        My wife said I never listen to her, or something like that.

·        If you are going to believe everything you read, then start with your Bible.

Batter Up

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.  When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.  "Look honey," one man said to his wife, "here comes your anesthesiologist."

Forgetting Something

A man was on his way home with a new car which was absorbing all his attention.  He was playing with the touch screen when it struck him that he had forgotten something.  He stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.  When he finally got home his daughter ran out, stopped short and yelled "Daddy, where's mommy?"

One-liners

·        My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. I found strange messages around the house for days.

·        Ban shredded cheese.  Make America grate again.

·        Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

·        Why aren't koalas actual bears? The don't meet the koalafications.

·        Turning vegan would be a missed steak.

·        Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.

·        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

Correction

There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.  His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out. The guy refused. . . said his friend was crazy. But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right! A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length, and he didn't lean left anymore. His friend said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." The guy said: "I stand corrected." 

You might be from the South if...

1. You're thinking of just buying a pollen-colored car.
2. You don't care HOW they do it up North.
3. Your garage holds two John Deere tractors and a fledgling electronics company.
4. You can give directions to anywhere within city limits using only Taco Bells as landmarks.
5. Your favorite comeback is, "As a matter of fact, I AM a rocket scientist."
6. The bugs in your computer are boll weevils.
7. Someone asks you a question and you reply "Dooo whaattt?"
8. Your dinner parties have caviar and bologna on the same table.
9. You wrote in "Dilbert" on the last voting ballot.
10. To "merge" is only a program on your computer.
11. You've actually met more than one "redneck engineer."
12. You're convinced that turn signals are an option when buying a car.
13. The cotton field you passed last week is now a new subdivision with homes starting at $190K.
14. You often remark how much nicer this city was before all those folks from the North started showing up.
15. You start worrying about Tornado Watches and watch all the local weathermen track the storms.
16. You are a Subject Matter Expert on Doppler Weather Radar just from watching all the TV coverage of the weather.
17. You drop an ice cube tray on the kitchen floor, and your kids want to take two snow days off from school.
18. You use your gun scope to check out the new comet.
19. Your kid's first field trip is to Cook's Pest Control.
20. You learned to count backwards and thought "lift off" was the last number.

Today’s Thought

Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard.

 

Friday's Funnies

 

Aggressive Ticket Agent

I think the lady at the airline counter just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you'll what?"

Pill Exercise

The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Don't swallow these pills," she said. "Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

Handwriting

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly sir,' said the younger man, "I'd be glad to." He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'P.S., please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"

Consensus

Consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one will say individually.

Diagnosis

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Blind Date

 

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

 

Birthday Hints

 

It's my wife's birthday soon and she's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack.

 

Two Liners

It's been raining for days, and my wife seems so sad looking through the window.
If it continues like this, I might have to let her in.

How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero, that's a hardware issue.

Here's a bit of advice for you.
Advi.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can't tell me it’s a coincidence!

What's the only thing worse than constant advertisements?
You'll find out right after these messages...

To the guy who invented infinity,
thanks for everything.

I got a PlayStation 5 for my brother.
Best trade ever.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?
A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone involved.

I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I am okay.

I'd tell you a joke about the PlayStation 5,
but you probably won't get it.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat. So we've been spending most the year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

 

High School Reunion

 

A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal. "Gross," complained one girl loudly to her friends, "this dress makes me look 40 years old!" "May I have it?" called out the lady. "That's just what I'm looking for!"

 

Dad Joke

 

Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I made a huge to-do list for today. Just not sure who is going to do it.

Friday's Funnies

 

Happy 4^th of July

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

4th Shorts

 

-        What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War? The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

-        Teacher: Johnny, what are the last words of "The Star-Spangled Banner"? Johnny: "Play ball"?

-        What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for? Liberty!

-        What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party? Tea-shirts.

-        What is the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

-        Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants? Because they lived in colonies.

-        What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!

-        What dance was very popular in 1776? Indepen-dance!

-        What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed? The Fodder of Our Country!

-        Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!

-        What did King George think of the American colonists? He thought they were revolting!

-        Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes. That's how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.

-        What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773? The Boston Flea Party!

-        Which colonists told the most jokes? Punsylvanians!

-        How is a healthy person like the United States? They both have good constitutions!

 

I Need a Raise

 

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" Gas, water and electric.

 

English

 

Free advice for non-native English speakers:  The word READ is pronounced like LEAD, but the word READ is pronounced like LEAD.

 

Church Instead of Fishing

 

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.  The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

 

Cosmetics

 

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"  Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."  "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.  "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

 

Church

 

A young boy went to church for the first time. His grandpa asked how he liked it. The youngster's review: "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."

 

Cookies

 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.  "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"  "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.  The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"  "We ate about a third of the box on the way home."

 

Sixteen Times

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"  "Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"  "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 

I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

 

-        I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

-        I don't have to go to school or work.

-        I get an allowance every month.

-        I have my own pad.

-        I don't have a curfew.

-        I have a driver's license and my own car.

-        When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

-        I don't have gray hair, I have "wisdom highlights."

-        Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

 

Dad Joke

 

The salesman at the furniture store told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems." I said, "And just where am I going to find 5 people without any problems???"

 

Today’s Thought

 

Remember when we were kids and we'd say, "I can't wait until I get older and can do whatever I want!" So, how's that working for ya?