Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Promise

It was the day after Christmas at a church. The pastor was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, the pastor turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. The pastor walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

 

First Baby Advice

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

 

Reality Check

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

Fishing Trip

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor: "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did."

 

Plenty Cryptic After All

A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe. Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk around the office, whispering the new password to each user. But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail. Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the password change. Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our basketball team scored in our last game)." Very clever, he figures -- it's information only someone in the group would know. Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type? And are those parentheses important?"

 

Illness

I had the toughest time of my life! First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

 

Let Me In Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.  "Well," he said, "I take them out in the woods and make them run.  The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs.  The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Thoughts About Life

·       You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

·       How blessed we are that wrinkles don't hurt.

·       The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere, and to let the air out of their tires.

·       Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.

·       Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.

·       It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

 

Who Makes The Coffee?

A married couple were arguing who should make the coffee.  The wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee.  "Where's it say that," the husband asked.  The wife opened the Bible and said "Right here it says Hebrews."

Bible Jokes 

·       What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?  Absolutely ruthless.

·       Who was the most knowledgeable man in the Bible?  Abraham.  He knew a Lot.

·       Why didn't Noah ever go fishing?  He only had two worms.

·       Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?  They were using fowl language.

 

Celebrity Restaurant

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

Silence

At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead. As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Dad Joke

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base.

Today’s Thought

Some people like living in the past.  For one thing, the rent is a lot cheaper.

Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas

It's officially the season of letting vague Santa threats do about 80 percent of my parenting.

 

Christmas Blessings

All the grand kids were visiting for Christmas. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, things got crazy, and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there; eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what the matter was, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

Counseling

Why did Santa’s helper go to counseling? He had poor elf esteem.

 

Top Ten Signs You’ve Spent Too Much Money On Christmas Presents

 

10. Your letter carrier develops a hernia delivering your MasterCard bill.

 

9. Your new computer has more RAM than Microsoft headquarters.

 

8. The Federal government is offering you a bailout.

 

7. You've taken out a second mortgage to pay for the "Nuclear-powered 3-D Brain Blaster" video game system.

 

6. A guy named "Nick the Kneecap" keeps calling you at 3 a.m.

 

5. You spend all your time away from the office or assembly line asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

4. You use cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, and computer manuals to heat your home.

 

3. The Ghost of Christmas Future reveals your family living on the street, but hey, you're the best dressed people there.

 

2. You're receiving money for food and medicine from an overseas charity.

 

1. You've forgotten the true reason for the season.

Santa's Lap

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual: "What would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"

Do You Believe In Santa

Christmas was fast approaching. Mom reminded her 8-year-old that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus. He seemed unusually resistant to the idea. So she asked, "You do believe in Santa, don't you?" He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the last year."

 

Fruitcake Recipe

1. Go to the crafts store.

2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.

3. Return home.

4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.

5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.

6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.

7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.

8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the "fruitcake."

9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!" Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake."

10. Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake ... that's just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

Dad Joke

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!" "I'm not," he replied. "Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then." "No, not at all," my friend responded. "If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?" "Oh that," he answered. "I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

Today’s Thought

One snowman said to the other, "All our friends are flakes."

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Gift

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Friday.

The Top Seven Things Overheard On The Wise Men’s Journey To Bethlehem

7 - Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
6 - You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.
5 - You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
4 - What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?
3 - Hey, do you either of you know why "MYRRH" is spelled with a "Y" instead of a "U"?
2 - Okay, whose camel just spit?
1 - All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

Messages Via Telegraph

An old country preacher needed to have a sign made that would tell the people passing on the freeway about The Wonder of Christmas. He lived quite a ways out of town and did not have access to any of the modern conveniences of phone or email, in fact, he only was able to send quick messages via Telegraph from the local General store. Since telegraphs charge by the letter, he tried to make his message succinct so that the sign builder would know exactly what he wanted, but without wasting extra characters. He rushed down to the General Store and sent his message off. This story picks up at the sign-making company and the poor clerk who received the telegraph message. As the message printed out she gasped, and fainted. The message that she read, "Unto us a child is born 6 ft long and 3 ft wide."

Why We Would Love To Be Santa Claus

> You could grow a massive gut and consider it a job requirement.
> Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
> You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
> There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty "Ho! Ho! Ho!" would remind everyone who's boss.
> No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
> No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
> Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
> Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
> You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
> One big black belt - accessorized for life!
> Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
> You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

Christmas Picture

In class little Johnny drew a picture of his favorite Christmas carol, Silent Night. His Sunday School teacher said, "Very good Johnny. I see the manger with baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the star, and the shepherds, and three wise men. But who is the overweight gentleman over in the corner?"  And little Johnny replied, "That's round John Virgin."

A Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Morning Sickness

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look. "Taking a little break," I explained. "I'm in my first trimester." "Really?" he said. "What's your major?"

Older Couple Dinner

An older couple is having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He's gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair. The woman turns to her husband and says, "Look at the couple over there. Look how close that man is to his wife, how he's talking to her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don't you ever do that?" Her husband looks up from his Caesar salad and glances over at the next booth. Then he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, I don't even know that woman."

If Cats Wore T-shirts, Here Is What They Might Say

- Purrfection cannot be improved.

- Menopaws: This is the hottest I've been in years.

- Take my advice. I'm not using it.

- I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

- Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this.

Mr. Magoo

Guess who I ran into on my way to get my glasses fixed yesterday? Everybody

Dad Joke

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.

Today's Thought

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Shopping

 

Toy store customer: "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
Clerk: "Great, I'm sure your kids will love it!"
Customer: "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

Worried Teen

 

One teenager was talking to another, "I'm really worried. Dad slaves away at his job so I'll never want for anything, so I can go to college. And Mom spends every day washing and ironing and cleaning up after me. She takes care of me when I'm sick." The other kid said, "So what are you worried about?" The first teenager said, "I'm afraid they might try to escape."

Wedding Present

 

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. Therefore, he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me." The whole audience, including the priest, started laughing. For some strange reason, the poor groom didn't.

Repeat Miracle

 

A priest is driving back to Dublin when he gets pulled over for speeding. The Garda approaches the window and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger’s seat. The priest rolls down the window and a strong smell of wine wafts out. “Have you been drinking, Father?” asks the Garda. “Just water,” replied the priest. “I can smell wine, Father,” said the Garda. The priest looks from the bottle to the heavens. “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

 

Bee Power

 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas!" The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man; watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man excl aimed. "What did you put in my gas tank?" The bee answered, "BP."

 

Useful Golf Tips

 

The First Truly Useful Golf Book includes the following chapters:
1. How to properly line up your fourth putt.
2. How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist off the tee.
3. How to get more distance off the shank.
4. Crying & how to handle it.
5. How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
6. How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
7. Why your wife doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
8. How to relax when you are hitting 5 off the tee.
9. When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
10. Re-gripping your ball retriever

Preparing For Christmas

 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have SOME standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

Dad Joke

 

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

 

Today’s Thought

Last night our Wi-Fi stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.