Friday's Funnies

Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake — but not two in a row!"

Missing Husband

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.

Lady: I lost my Husband.

Inspector: What is his height?

Lady: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Lady: Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Lady: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Lady: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was he wearing?

Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Was somebody with him?

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...

And the lady started crying.

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

For What it is Worth

While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.   He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. "Oh, about $200 today," replied the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I’m out."    The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Okay," he said, "Here is the check for $1,000. It's postdated six years from now." 

Rules for a Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

Older Than Dirt Test

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telephone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And You Are..................

* 0-5 = You're still young
* 6-10 = You are getting older
* 11-15 = Don't tell your age
* 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Today’s Thought

Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

Friday's Funnies

Confused

• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
• Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

Signs of the Times

1. On the desk of a kindergarten teacher: "THINK SMALL"
2. Pawnshop sign: "Please See Me At Your Earliest Inconvenience."
3. Sign in Office: "The easiest way to make ends meet is to get off your own."
4. Sign at butcher shop: "Honest scales — No Two Weighs About It."
5. Sign by stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."
6. Sign on travel agency window: "Please Go Away!"

Leak

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.  "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.  Mr. Gable scowled, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Trees

~ It's important to have roots.

~ In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.

~ Don't pine away over old flames.

~ If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.

~ Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.

~ Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.

~ If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.

~ Grow where you're planted.

~ It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.

~ Avoid people who would like to cut you down.

~ Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.

~ If the party gets boring or dangerous, just leaf.

~ You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.

~ It's more important to be honest than poplar.

The Intercom

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom. She asked, "Is that okay now?" "Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Parental Discretion

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

Ocean Puns

What do fish need to stay healthy?

Vitamin Sea.

Why don't fish like basketball?

Because they're afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

How do shellfish get to the hospital?

In a clambulance.

Illustrating the Need

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."

You're an EXTREME Red Neck When...

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

Today’s Thought

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in. 

Friday's Funnies

Oops

My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?"  I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day."  "Great. Can you do me a favor?"  "Sure, boss. What?"  "Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"

New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,  "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"  The CEO said, "Wait right here."  He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."  Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,  "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"  From across the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That's ridiculous!

Husband: OK, 'Ms. know it all'. If high fructose corn syrup didn't make me fat, what did?

Wife: Going back for thirds.

Diamonds

After many years, her original wedding band had become worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds. They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out.  As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband, "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like diamonds I can see."  Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked, "Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

8. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

9. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

10. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

11. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

12. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

13. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Israelites out of Egypt

Nine year old Dewey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Dewey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A Parent’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,

I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,

Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back and not have to think

About what they're stuffing down the sink,

Or who they're with, or where they're at

And what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself

(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed

(Oh no, another goldfish dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake

(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean

(well don’t I have the right to dream?)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,

I must have lost them long ago!

Today’s Thought

Teach your kids about taxes.  Eat 30% of their ice cream