Friday's Funnies

Words of Discomfort

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say??" asked the nurse. "'Oops!'"

Water in the Glass

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass were in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts: one a colorless, odorless liquid; the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.

The Writer

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?" In a matter-of-fact manner, the guide simply replied, "A check."

Perks

Some of us forgot that we are getting perks for reaching 50 or being over 60 or are already 70 or more!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run ... anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Water in the Carburetor

Wife:  "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband:  "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife:  "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife:  "In the pool."

 

Great news!

After a fender-bender, the teenaged driver pointed to the damage and said: "Great news, Dad--you haven't been pouring those insurance payments down the drain after all!"

 

Today’s Thought

Politicians should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their sponsors.

 

Friday's Funnies

True Love

 

 A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

 

 Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

 Sergeant: What is her height?

 Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

 Sergeant: Weight?

 Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

 Sergeant: Color of eyes?

 Husband: Never noticed.

 Sergeant: Color of hair?

 Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

 Sergeant: What was she wearing?

 Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

 Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

 Husband: She went in my truck.

 Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

 Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.  At this point the husband started choking up.

 

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

 

Service?

During a shopping trip to a department store, I was looking around for a salesperson so I could pay for my purchase. Finally I ran into a woman wearing the store's ID tag. "Excuse me," I said. I'm trying to locate a cashier." "I can't help you," she briskly replied, barely slowing down, "I work in customer service." And she walked away.

No Mail

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. One lineman told me that when he called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope.

The Rebuttal

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial. "Your honor, my client was not at fault. She has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more." Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff arose. "Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…"

Priestly Rounds

A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurse's station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."

Homework Policy

 

Here is an explanation of our school's homework policy:  Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

 

~ 15 minutes looking for assignment.

~ 11 minutes texting a friend about the assignment.

~ 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

~ 8 minutes in the bathroom.

~ 10 minutes getting a snack.

~ 7 minutes checking what's on TV.

~ 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

~ 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

 

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

 

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I'm always repeating things."  "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".  Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"  She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

 

Satisfaction Guaranteed

 

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."  The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

Today’s Thought

 

Men have feelings, too. For example, we feel hungry.

 

Friday's Funnies

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. 

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

Police and Doughnuts

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"  The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Priest's Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.  A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.  When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"   The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

What I Learned In Biology Class

• When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
• Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
• Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
• Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your father didn't have any children, you won't have children either.

Following Directions

My brother-in-law was puzzled by the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

The Note

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church -- and he and the preacher were the only people there!  The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.  The cowboy said, "Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."  The preacher realized the truth of this, and was inspired to preach a stem-winder of a sermon.  Afterward, he asked the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.  The cowboy answered, "Well, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL the hay."

Lexophilia

 

.. A broken pencil is pointless.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

Say what?

 

Pessimist:  "Things can't possibly get any worse than this!!"

 

Optimist: "Oh yes they can."

 

Today’s Thought

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

 

Friday's Funnies

 

Diet Advice

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthful. You're welcome.

 

Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

- There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

- The pews have camper hookups.

- You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra CDs on hand to record today's sermon.

- The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

- The preacher breaks for an intermission.

- The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

- When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

- The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

- Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

- The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl." But it's only September!

 

Manners

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded by her mother, "that's not polite behavior." With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"

Kindred Spirits

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too."

Dilbert's Laws of Work

 

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

 

Ancient History

Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognized the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I used to go out with him!" Peering up from his work, another wide-eyed student asked, "You dated someone from our history book!?"

X-Ray Vision

As an X-ray tech walked down the aisle to exchange marriage vows with a former patient, a co-worker nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, "I wonder what she saw in him?"

Hmmmm...

How come all the scientific instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?

Groaner: Leopard

Ed: My uncle and I went on a safari to Africa last year.

John: Oh, yeah? How did it go?

Ed: We spotted a leopard.

John: Don't be silly. They're born that way!

 

Trouble sleeping

 

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."  "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."  "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."  A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"  "I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"  "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

 

Today’s Thought

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."