Losing weight
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body
and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
Q & A
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken
sedan…
Q: How do you tell boy ants from girl ants?
A: You put them in water. Any that sink would be a girl
ant. Any that float would be buoyant…
Cat Names
One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit,
she introduced them to me. 'That's Astrophe, that's Erpillar, that's Aract,
that's Alogue.' "Where on earth did you get such unusual names?' I asked. 'Oh,
those are their last names,' she explained. Their first names are Cat.'
Important Advice
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet..
- If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple
of mortgage payments.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
Doctor’s Appointment
I told my doctor's receptionist I need an appointment. "How
about 10 tomorrow?" she asked. "I don't need that many," I
replied.
Elderly Couple
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a
roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman
left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on
the highway. By then, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man
fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife
every bad name he could think of. When
they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the lady got out of the car to
retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “And while you’re in there, you
might as well get my hat, too.”
Savings Account Application
A mother decided that her 10-year-old daughter, Cathy,
should get something practical for Christmas. “Suppose we open a savings
account for you?” the mother suggested. Cathy liked the idea. “It’s your
account, darling” the mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out
the application.” Cathy had no problem until she came to the space marked,
“Name of your former bank.” After a moment’s hesitation she wrote, “Piggy… ”
Laws Of Life
Law of Mechanical
Repair
- After your
hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have
to pee.
Law of Gravity
- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible place in the universe.
Law of Probability
- The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal; someone always answers.
Variation Law
- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of Close Encounters
- The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES
dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before
she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are
sleeping!"
Dad Joke
Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in
predicting what's inside a wrapped present.
It's a gift.
Today’s Though
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
