Politician On The Stand
The judge warned the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
The Retiree
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"
His Logic
Five months pregnant and ravenous, I decided a second helping of dinner was in order. Of course, as soon as I spooned more food onto my plate, my husband had something so say about it. "Remember. I'm eating for two," I reminded him. "True, he said."But how many are you exercising for?"
Real Faith
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
Pizza coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, a mother handed him some money and a discount coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."
The mightiest
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!” Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The terrified deer stammered, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!” On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away. The battered lion hollered after the elephant, “Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset.”
Cowboy
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I’ll do it again!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago…'
Brilliant!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Wedded Wisdom
Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:
He: "Never be selfish. There is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
She: "Never correct your husband's spelling."
The Bachelor Preacher's Solution
Old aunts used to come up to Paul at weddings, poking him in the ribs and cackling, told him, "You're next." They stopped after he started doing the same thing to them at funerals…
Long Distance
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
He Learned Good
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop. My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked. "Yeah, you was my English teacher." Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
Young patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?" Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"
Little Jon
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Jon stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Jon?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Jon. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Jon wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Jon! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Jon quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Jon asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The economy is so bad that . . .
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally....
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:
He: "Never be selfish. There is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"
She: "Never correct your husband's spelling."
The Bachelor Preacher's Solution
Old aunts used to come up to Paul at weddings, poking him in the ribs and cackling, told him, "You're next." They stopped after he started doing the same thing to them at funerals…
Long Distance
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
He Learned Good
"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop. My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked. "Yeah, you was my English teacher." Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
Young patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?" Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"
Little Jon
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Jon stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Jon?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Jon. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Jon wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Jon! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Jon quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Jon's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Jon asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The economy is so bad that . . .
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- The Mafia is laying off judges.
- Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally....
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Computer Lingo
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."
Too Young
Little Tim sat in the church service and watched as the offering plates came around. When they neared his pew, he spoke out loud so everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."
Oops
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man says. "That's okay, Dad," the son says. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Great Healthcare
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. I mean, what if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today. I'm running a little fever and feeling congested, so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What? Say that again. I'm cured?"
Actual Newspaper Headlines
• Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Letter of recommendation
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
The broken lawn mower…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors… I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a definite limp.
You didn't think...?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Tattoo
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
Waiting room
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."
Too Young
Little Tim sat in the church service and watched as the offering plates came around. When they neared his pew, he spoke out loud so everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."
Oops
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man says. "That's okay, Dad," the son says. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Great Healthcare
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. I mean, what if you wanted a day off? You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today. I'm running a little fever and feeling congested, so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What? Say that again. I'm cured?"
Actual Newspaper Headlines
• Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Letter of recommendation
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum......
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
The broken lawn mower…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors… I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a definite limp.
You didn't think...?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Tattoo
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
Waiting room
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday's Funnies
What if musicians ran the country?
Here's a possible presidential cabinet:
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
Food and Drug Administration: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Management and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Lettermen
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work
Perspective
My ten-year-old son, Justin and I were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for his painful tooth. Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Justin, which one's the troublemaker?" Without hesitation, Justin replied, "My brother."
Exercise Machine
Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer. Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup. The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"
Achievement
I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
Oops
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"
Three Signs That You Are No Longer a Kid
1. Naps are good.
2. Your parents' jokes are funny.
3. When things go wrong, you can't just yell "Do-over!"
Computer Viruses
Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:
1. Verizon Virus: Every three minutes you'll hear an electronic voice asking, "Can you hear me now?"
2. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you about the great features of the latest iPhone.
3. Sprint Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the Verizon and AT&T viruses.
4. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
5. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism."
6. Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
The Mixup
A Philadelphia law firm sent flowers to an associate firm in Baltimore upon the opening of its new offices. Through some mix-up, the ribbon on the floral arrangement read "Deepest Sympathy." When the florist was informed of his mistake, he let out a cry of alarm. "Good grief," he exclaimed, "then the flowers that went to the funeral said, 'Congratulations on your New Location!'"
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MARRY A MICHIGAN GIRL
The first man married a woman from North Carolina . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Michigan . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Call me an idiot
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
Here's a possible presidential cabinet:
Secretary of the Treasury: Dire Straits
Attorney General: The Righteous Brothers
Secretary of Agriculture: The Black Eyed Peas
Food and Drug Administration: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Drug Enforcement Administration: The Temptations
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Crowded House
Office of Management and Budget: Cheap Trick
Secretary of Transportation: Journey
Secretary of Energy: AC/DC
Secretary of Education: The Lettermen
Secretary of Defense: Guns N' Roses
Secretary of Labor: Men at Work
Perspective
My ten-year-old son, Justin and I were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for his painful tooth. Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Justin, which one's the troublemaker?" Without hesitation, Justin replied, "My brother."
Exercise Machine
Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer. Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup. The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"
Achievement
I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
Oops
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"
Three Signs That You Are No Longer a Kid
1. Naps are good.
2. Your parents' jokes are funny.
3. When things go wrong, you can't just yell "Do-over!"
Computer Viruses
Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:
1. Verizon Virus: Every three minutes you'll hear an electronic voice asking, "Can you hear me now?"
2. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you about the great features of the latest iPhone.
3. Sprint Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the Verizon and AT&T viruses.
4. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
5. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism."
6. Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
The Mixup
A Philadelphia law firm sent flowers to an associate firm in Baltimore upon the opening of its new offices. Through some mix-up, the ribbon on the floral arrangement read "Deepest Sympathy." When the florist was informed of his mistake, he let out a cry of alarm. "Good grief," he exclaimed, "then the flowers that went to the funeral said, 'Congratulations on your New Location!'"
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MARRY A MICHIGAN GIRL
The first man married a woman from North Carolina . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Carolina . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Michigan . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Call me an idiot
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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