Friday's Funnies

The Devoted Admirer

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being — a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. "I think it's a great idea!" she said.  "Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

Fatherly Advice

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well — if something happens to me — your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Bad Hair Day

"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor. The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, honey ... at least you tried.'"

Oh

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the U.S., all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.

Do-it-yourself project

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.  Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.  Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”  “Actually, it’s my boss’ idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.  “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Husband takes the wife to a disco

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:   "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."  Husband says:  "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

Too helpful

Working for a judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.  To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold, the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.  As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet entered his plea, proudly announced, “There are 28.3 grams in an ounce, your honor.”  His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

Pain in the knee

An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!”  The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”  “I’m 98,” the man announced proudly.  The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?”  The old man said, “Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in the City of London….

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

7. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

8. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

9. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

10. She is numb from her toes down.

11. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

12. The skin was moist and dry.

13. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

15. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

16. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

17. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

18. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

19. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

20. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

21. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

22. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

24. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Today’s Thought

Baseball - what a great job! Where else would a .250 efficiency rate get you a $10 million raise?

Friday's Funnies

Black Friday

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Black Friday One Liners

Black Friday: A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they're already thankful for.

Black Friday is a scam. You should be mad they overcharge you 364 days a year

Black Friday is so hypocritical - one day you're thankful for everything you have then the next day you're fighting over TVs & stuff on sale

I'll be celebrating Black Friday in my traditional way.... by completely ignoring it.

Black Friday = Broke Saturday

Probable Headline: "1000 Americans killed trying to get Twinkies on Black Friday."

Ways Thanksgiving Might Have Gone Down During Biblical Times

5. Terrible chariot jams on the way to Grandma's house

4. You think 4 days of turkey leftovers get old? Imagine roasting a camel!

3. Ahkmed seltzer, helping heartburn sufferers for 3 score and 7 years

2. Men bonding after dinner while watching rip roaring gladiator games on TV

1. Women suddenly having the urge to go to the Jerusalem marketplace the next day

Lonely Steve

It's Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife. Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies "Why?" Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

Black Friday Q & A

5. Q: Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"?

A: It matches the mood of all those unhappy shoppers.

4. Q: Why do shoppers feel like cranberry juice on Black Friday?

A: They get bruised and battered by other people until they get squeezed at the cashier.

3. Q: What's the similarity people feel with Black Friday and the Thanksgiving turkey feast?

A: They know what it's like to be jammed into a small place like stuffing!

2. Q: What do people eat on Black Friday?

A: Whatever they couldn't finish on Thanksgiving Thursday.

... and the #1 funny Black Friday joke is:

1. Q: What's the best part about Black Friday?

A: Resting on Saturday.

Funny signs

Outside a muffler shop:  “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

At a Towing Company:  “We don’t want an arm and a leg. We want your tows.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:  “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Sign in Service Station:
If your car sounds like:
“ping-click-ping” – $10.00
“click-whine-click” – $25.00
“clunk-whine-clunk” – $50.00
“thud-clunk-thud” – $100.00
“clang-thud-clang” – $300.00
“Can’t describe it” – $500.00

Women drivers

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!  I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.  It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Turkey Poem (Author Unknown)

I ate too much turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and much too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,

But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!

Friday's Funnies

Ode to Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is upon us, that special time of the year when the whole house gets to be clean at the same time because approximately 100,000 relatives are about to descend to eat a turkey dinner in 20 minutes that took 3 days to prepare, and 5 minutes after they arrive the house looks worse than it did before you spent 3 weeks and several hundred dollars to clean it, shine it, dust it, mop it, wax it, vacuum it, de-cobweb it, wash its windows, scrub its carpets, not to mention sanitizing the penicillin experiments that magically appear in its bathrooms and kitchen, mount an investigation to find out what is taking up all the space in the fridge and throw it all away to make room for $500-worth of groceries so the kids can stand in front of its open door and whine, “There’s never anything to EAT in this house”, and above all, banish all the JUNK to the 3-car garage that never has and probably never will have an actual car living in it! But seriously, there are many blessings to be thankful for and I am mindful of many: the love of friends and family, stable employment, good health, and a roof over our heads. However, this year there is one thing I will be especially thankful for – when all is said and done and washed and scrubbed and cooked and put away – I will be thankful that it’s OVER!

First-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Q & A

Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?

A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?

A: He was stuffed!

Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?

A: Because he had the drumsticks!

Old or New Testament

One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"  "Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"

Church

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."  "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

Too often

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then they discover that once a year is way too often.

LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it - OR the store will stop selling it.

Doctor's Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Turkey Day

Shot my first turkey yesterday! Scared the daylights out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!

Friday's Funnies

Getting older

- An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she’d written, "Repairs."

- "Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck …"

- I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way—e-mail."

- Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."

Stuffed Pockets

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Making An Impression

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant. He picked up the menu and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci." "I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

Is my time?

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”  God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc….  She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”  God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”

How are we doing today?

Jim was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.  There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, ’And how are we doing this morning?’, or ‘Are we ready for a bath’, or ‘Are we hungry?’  Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Jim took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!  The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. ‘My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.’  At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, ‘Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.’  The nurse fainted!  Old Jim just smiled!

The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

The truth is…

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady’s father if he could have his daughter’s hand in marriage. The father said, “I would never let my daughter marry an actor.”  The actor said, “Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won’t you at least come and see the play?”  So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, “You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. The truth is, you’re no actor.”

Friday's Funnies

Rx

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.  "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

A second wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.  The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.  It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’”  One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

Penny for Your Thoughts

One morning Grandma was over at the doctor's house when her daughter called, who was sort of frantic because her son had swallowed a penny. The daughter wanted Grandma to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary. Just watch him closely for any change."

A DIET TO DIE FOR!

Yesterday I was at my local Food Lion buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think, I had an elephant?  So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and that the way it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  Food Lion won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Talkative

Eight year old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good — mostly either A or B. However, her teacher had written a note across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in class. I have an idea that I'm going to try which I think may break her of that habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back, "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

The Old Goats

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats that aren't producing?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

LAWYER FUNNIES

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Q: What happened then?  A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?

3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

5. Were you alone or by yourself?

6. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

7.  Q:  I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A:  That's me.  Q:  Were you present when that picture was taken?

8.  Q:  Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A:  I used to be.  Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

9.  So you were gone until you returned?

10. Q:  She had three children, right?  A:  Yes.  Q:  How many were boys?  A:  None  Q:  Were there girls?

11.  You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

12.  Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

13.  Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.

Today’s thought

My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.