Skydiving
A man decided to try skydiving. The instructor was telling the class that the main chute should be deployed at 500 feet. If that didn't work be sure to open the backup chute by 400 feet. One student asked, "How long do you have if neither chute works before you land?" The instructor replied, "The rest of your life."
Interesting
When you're sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school."
"It's crazy that something like a Walmart gift card is printed on plastic, but my social security card is printed on the flimsiest piece of paper I've ever handled."
"The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf."
Seeing Eye to Eye
A man and woman are having marriage problems and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.” The wife says, "Seven weeks."
Facebook Name
Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.
Driver’s Permit
A young teen had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, a pastor, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the teen, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible more, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car." Well, the teen thought about it for a moment and decided he would settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about 6 weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible more, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "You're right son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Life's Unanswered Questions
Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?
Why do people squint when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?
Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?
Why do we call it pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?
How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Why do they say "an alarm’s going off" if it's really going on?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why Study?
The more I study
The more I know
The more I know
The more I forget
The more I forget
The less I know
So why study?
Where Did I Come From?
One day our little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?" My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When she was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Hotel Noise
"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" They said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"
Today’s Thought
Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
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