Please Log On
I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password (Rule No. 1 broken). Her password is "genius". After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it. She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S." There's one in every crowd.
Late
An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn't arrive until 5 hours later. "How is it?" he asked entering the house. "Not so bad," replied the home owner. "While we were waiting for you to arrive, I taught my wife how to swim."
Grandpa's Manners
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man. The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man. The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
Horse Breeder
A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered, but as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
Silent Burglar
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
You Might Be A College Student If...
..you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
..you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
..you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
..you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
..you get more e-mail than snail mail.
..you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
..your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (e.g., Olympic Dream Team).
..your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
..you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
..you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
..you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
..you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
..your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
..you go to Target/Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
..you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
..you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
..you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
..you get more e-mail than snail mail.
..you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
..your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (e.g., Olympic Dream Team).
..your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
..you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
..you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
..you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
..you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
..your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
..you go to Target/Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
..you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
..you wake up 10 minutes before class.
..you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
..your breakfast consists of a Coke on the way to class.
..your social life consists of a date with the library.
..your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
..it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
..you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.
..you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swimsuit to class.
..your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
..you celebrate when you find a quarter.
..your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
..you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
..your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
..you get more sleep in class than in your room.
..your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
..you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.
..you wake up 10 minutes before class.
..you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
..your breakfast consists of a Coke on the way to class.
..your social life consists of a date with the library.
..your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
..it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
..you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.
..you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swimsuit to class.
..your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
..you celebrate when you find a quarter.
..your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
..you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
..your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
..you get more sleep in class than in your room.
..your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
..you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.
Interview
The interviewer greets the next applicant for the job of night watchman. His first question is: "What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?" The applicant replies, "The slightest noise wakes me up."
Only Two Parachutes
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped. The priest looked and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life. The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my book bag!"
Warning Signs That You Need A New Doctor
* The patient before you was a goat.
* Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
* He has an assistant named Igor.
* The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
* Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
* During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
* Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
* He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
* You can beat him in a game of Operation.
* All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."
* Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
* He has an assistant named Igor.
* The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
* Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
* During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
* Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
* He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
* You can beat him in a game of Operation.
* All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."
Today’s Thought
He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
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