Friday's Funnies

Frozen Food Labeling

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."  However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.  If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." Now no matter what my husband replies with when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.  But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.  One time she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.  After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"  The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."  He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?  She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."  He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"  The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."  "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.  "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

Way Professors Grade Their Exams

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.

Three Wishes

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.  The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."  "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.  In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.  "Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."  Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Aging

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."  "Why not?" he asks.  She answers back, "Because I'm dead."  The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."  She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."  He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"  "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Today’s Though

Money talks...but all mine ever says is goodbye.