Friday's Funnies

Airlines

A traveler got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."  The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."  "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

A Tie

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old woman sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.  The thirsty man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"  The woman replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?

Here's one that goes nicely with your outfit."  The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"  "Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."  The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.  Three hours later he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.  She said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"  The man rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Broken Arm

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.   "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.   "Yes," the girl replied.   "Did it hurt?"   "No."   "Really? Which bone did you break?"   "My sister's arm."  

Things to ponder

- Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

- Why do we feel blue? And what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

- What does OK actually mean?

- If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

- Why are things typed up but written down?

- If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

- If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

- Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

- In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

- Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're biscuits?

- If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

Vocabulary

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said, "Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?"  "What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.  “A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."  "Oh, I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, "Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?"  "What's extinguish?" she asked.

"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said brainy Gerald.  “Oh, I see. Yes, certainly."  The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.  "Gerald," said his mother, trying to impress, "take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!"

You Know You're In Trouble When

- Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

A Message To Our Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Regards,

Your Owner

Today’s Thought

What do people in China call their good plates?