Me? Exercise?
If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?
Soup Du Jour
When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "It's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
Crossing the Street
A duck was standing on the curb looking across the street when a chicken yelled to him, "Don't do it buddy, you will never hear the end of it!"
If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?
Soup Du Jour
When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "It's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
Crossing the Street
A duck was standing on the curb looking across the street when a chicken yelled to him, "Don't do it buddy, you will never hear the end of it!"
CHURCH SERVICE of THE FUTURE
PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC,
iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians 13:13. And please switch
on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."
P-a-u-s-e......
"Now, let us pray committing this week into God's
hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
"As we take our tithes and offerings, please have your
credit and debit cards ready."
"Please log on to the church wi-fi using the password
'Lord909887. ' "
"Please use your iPad to make your electronic fund
transfers directly to the church account. Or if you prefer, the ushers
will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the pews. If you forgot to
bring an electronic device, you are directed to computers and laptops at the
rear of the church. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your
cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account."
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified
as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements: "This week's
ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where
the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.
Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't
miss out. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and
prayers. God bless you and have a nice day.
Outdoors man?
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired
man about his physical activity level. The
man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I
took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded
along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got
sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several
rocky hills. I ran away from a mad mother bear and then ran away from one angry
bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I
went home and went right to bed." Amazed
by the story, the doctor said, "You must be quite an outdoors man!" "No," the guy replied, "I'm
just a really bad golfer."
Truck Stop
The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his
order with the new waitress. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running
boards." The brand new waitress,
not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights
and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts
store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires
mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and
running boards are two slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She
thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it
to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?" She replied, "I thought while you were
waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well
gas up!"
A-POLITICAL APHORISMS
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~
Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to
public office. ~ Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these
State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~ Will Rogers
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build
bridges even where there is no river. ~ Nikita
Khrushchev
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into
politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end
of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country. ~ Tex Guinan
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a
matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it
might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson
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