Friday's Funnies

HOW TO LIE TO THE BATHROOM SCALES

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps)

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

The Computer Is Down

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.  "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

You’ll never hear the end of it

One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm.   The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around.  "This is where you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own."  "Oh but whatever you do, DO NOT cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it."

Longevity

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

An Acquired Taste?

A man was working in his backyard when a little neighbor boy stopped by. "Whatcha doin'?" said the little boy. The man replied, "I'm putting fertilizer on my strawberries." "Oh," the little boy said, "My mom puts whipped cream on ours."

I Can See Clearly Now

An old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can't see well these days." The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem — didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I've been married to a water hose the past two years!"

Long Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, "she said.  What's your secret for a long happy life?"  "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."   "That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?'  "Twenty-six," he said.

The Test

When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Who’s the best?

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best:

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

Today’s Thought

Cleaning house with kids around is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.