An
Ode To Thanksgiving:
May
your stuffing be tasty
May
your turkey be plump,
May
your potatoes and gravy
Have
nary a lump.
May
your yams be delicious
And
your pies take the prize,
And
may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay
off your thighs!
What
Turkeys Need To Know But Don’t
1.
By limiting your corn intake to 175 kernels a day, you can lose thirteen pounds
or three hours baking time, whatever the case may be.
2.
There is no such thing as the friendly ax-man.
3.
Hiding inside old Jack-O-Lanterns never works.
4.
Running helps you lose weight, but you will never fly, ever.
5.
Stop writing to Benjamin Franklin; he's dead, and you lost that National symbol
argument long ago.
6.
No one buys the "you can't eat a turkey with glasses routine."
7.
If anyone asks you about your drumstick size, be afraid; be very afraid.
8.
Sweet corn meal is NOT low in calories. Stop eating it.
9.
Pretending to be "just a chicken" is not very smart.
10.
If there are not pigs or geese on your farm, you should probably worry about
Christmas as well.
·
Is there another word for synonym?
·
Where do forest rangers go to "get away
from it all"?
·
What do you do when you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
·
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
·
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless
or naked?
·
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
·
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he
has the right to remain silent?
·
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through
bank machines?
·
How do they get deer to cross the road only at
those yellow road signs?
It's Time
The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."
The Sermon Review
A lady was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she turned to a very sleepy-looking gentleman sitting in a nearby pew, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." Without a moment's hesitation, the man replied, "You're not the only one ma'am. I'm glad he's done, too!"
The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."
The Sermon Review
A lady was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she turned to a very sleepy-looking gentleman sitting in a nearby pew, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." Without a moment's hesitation, the man replied, "You're not the only one ma'am. I'm glad he's done, too!"
Three Important Words
At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the
guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and
me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married
couple?" I said, "The three
most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said,
"She's probably right."
Clocks
A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter
sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of
clocks. "What are those used for?" he asked. St. Peter
said, "There's one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out
the days of their lives." The newcomer noticed that the hands of
some of the clocks were moving faster than others. "Why do they move at
different speeds?" he asked. St. Peter said, "Every time you
tell a lie, you lose one hour of your life and your clock speeds up."
The newcomer looked around and then asked, "Do you have one of these for
my local politician?" St. Peter answered, "Sure! It's in the
back room. We use it for a ceiling fan."
Romantic
An
elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One
afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. As she waited for her
friend, she decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If
you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If
you are laughing, send me your smile.
If
you are eating, send me a bite.
If
you are drinking, send me a sip.
If
you are crying, send me your tears.
I
love you."
The
husband texted back to her:
"I'm
on the toilet. Please advise."
No comments:
Post a Comment