Friday's Funnies

Would You Be...

During his sermon, our pastor quoted Matthew 19:19, "Love your neighbor as yourself." To emphasize the point, he asked three times, with increasing intensity, "Who is my neighbor? Who is my neighbor? Who is my neighbor?!" Each time he asked, a young boy behind us answered (mimicking the pastor's intensity, but not quite as loud), "Mister Rogers! Mister Rogers! Mister Rogers!"

Punny Riddles

• What happens when it rains cats and dogs?  You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
• Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other?  Because in hard economic times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.
• Where do lawyers live?  In legal pads.
• How do you make a skeleton laugh?  By tickling his funny bone.
• When should baseball players wear armor?  When they play knight games.
• What do clowns get paid?  Funny money.
• What do dentists like most about amusement parks?  Molar coasters.
• Why did the robber take a bath?  To make a clean get away!

Say What?

Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic. The computer dutifully printed out, "Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow."

The Opportunist

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist:

While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Signed,

The Opportunist

"More of WHAT DOCTORS SAY" and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

--or--

I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Car Repairs

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my wife quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

Can't eat beef:  Mad cow

Can't eat chicken:  Bird flu

Can't eat eggs:  Salmonella

Can't eat pork:  Trichinosis

Can't eat fish:  Mercury

Can't eat fruits:  Insecticides

Can't eat greens:  E. Coli

Can't eat veggies:  GMO

Can't eat grains:  Herbicides

Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice:  Carbs

Just Dropped In

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."