Friday's Funnies

Cause and Effect

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" He replied, "Autumn."

More Cause and Effect

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

What Doctors Say (and what they're really thinking)

• "That's quite a nasty looking wound." (I think I'm going to throw up.)
• "This may sting a little." (Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)
• "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" (I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)
• "This should fix you up." (The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)
• "Everything seems to be normal." (Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)
• "I'd like to run some more tests." (I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)
• "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" (You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...)
• "There is a lot of that going around." (That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.)
• "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." (I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.)

Fishing

Two airheads go on a fishing vacation. They buy fancy equipment, rent a great cabin, bring enough food to feed a battalion, and start fishing.  They fish all week.  They catch exactly ONE fish.  Depressed, they go home with their paltry catch.  Airhead one: "Do you realize this one lousy fish cost us 1500 dollars?"  Airhead two: "Wow. Good thing we didn't catch more."

Age by Car Radio

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldies station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach your 30s, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button until you hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldies station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music."

How men and women record things in their diaries...

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing..." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A two-foot putt ... WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt!

Today’s Thought

Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.