Friday's Funnies

Doctor's Order

Doctor:  "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient:  "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor:  "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient:  "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late at night, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "Oh, that's the talking clock," the student replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," said the student, and then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Immediately someone screamed from the other side of the wall:  "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT!   IT'S 2:30 IN THE MORNING!"

Join a club?

The German philosophy club?

I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?

Pardon me?

The Arafat club?

Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?

Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?

You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?

Never. Never.

The quarterback club?

I'll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?

Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?

Si.

The anti-perspirant club?

Sure.

The procrastinators club?

Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?

No - they probably would not accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?

Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?

Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?

God willing!

Something really cool!

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that?

Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Today’s Thought

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.