Friday's Funnies

Foreign Language

A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them.  Instantly, the mother mouse shouts loudly, "BARK" at which point the cat ran off.  "There, you see" said the mother mouse to her baby, "That is why learning a foreign language is so important!"

Trust?

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a checkout system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.  Cautiously, he asked the school's long-time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"  The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

Witness

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed little girl what she thought about what she had just witnessed…  Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...spank him again!"

At The Vet

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.  After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

Times have changed

You drive into the gas station...

1955 - four guys run out to your car - you sit back and smile

Today - four guys run out to your car - you scream and pull away as quickly as you can

De-moted

If lawyers are disbarred and clergy defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Still Waiting

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.  Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.  No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date.  He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"

Puns and Such

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  (Aesop, 620 BC - 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.  (Pun of the Day)

Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn't it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?  (Aaron Luchich in Ruminations)

Q: What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?

A: A church bell peals from the steeple.

(Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."  (from a fortune cookie)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

(BWJokes.com)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or surgical?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I'm good at everything.  (Demetri Martin)

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

Today’s Thought

Dear vegetarians, if you’re trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?