Friday's Funnies

X-ray

A four-year-old girl had to have an x-ray taken at the medical office where I worked. She had been in an accident with her bicycle and the doctor was afraid she may have broken her wrist.  The girl, however, was very concerned about the procedure, and no matter how her mother tried to calm her, she kept putting up quite a fuss as we led her into the x-ray facility.  When she came out a few minutes later, however, she was calm and all smiles. "They just took a picture of my bones," she explained to her mother.  "Yes, dear," her mom replied. "I told you it was easy. Did everything go well?"  "Yup. It was great!" the child exclaimed. "I didn't even have to take my skin off or anything!"

You're ABCDEFGHIJK

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.  He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."  She asked, "What does that mean?"  He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."  She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"  He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

10 Sings you may not be reading your Bible enough

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Hope Springs Eternal

A man happened to drive by a little league game one day, and, being a baseball fan, decided to stop and watch for a while. He found a seat on the bleachers behind the fence, and asked one of the boys on the bench what the score was. "We're behind 24 to nothing," the boy answered with a smile. "Really," the man said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Why should we be discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "We haven't been up to bat yet."

Higher Learnin'

Dad #1:  "My son is so smart that when he writes home from college, I have to go to the dictionary."
Dad #2:  "You're lucky. When my son writes home, I have to go to the bank."

The Disclaimer

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

At the Pearly Gates

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Moo Ya wk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?" "Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

Better Grades

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.  One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look, miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"  "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Today’s Thought

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?