The Password Is
I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So, we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123."
Lazy Worker
A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man. "Too much trouble," he responded.
Dogs and Cats
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Stingy Miser
A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money. He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime. On his deathbed, he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!" His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him. So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony, the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed. The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!" The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him." "You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?" "I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."
Smarty
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."
Another Blonde Joke
A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said, "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning. This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour". Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours." After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says, "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more." A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily, "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"
New Dress
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"
You Know You Have A Big Dog When...
· - The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"
· - You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.
· - It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vet’s.
· - You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.
· - You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.
· - You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.
· - You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.
· - You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.
· - You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.
· - You've learned to force a smile when asked, "Do you have a saddle for that thing?"
· - Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.
· - You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.
Fiancée
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Today’s Thought
For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.
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