Stranded
Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?" "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."
Fishing on the Job
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
It's Gone
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written in it."
How to Clean the House
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Save and then send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
Feel better?
Loan Repayment
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Parking Space
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine." Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination. The woman looked up to heaven and said, "Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own."
Another Airhead Joke
Two airheads in California are sitting outside on a cool, clear evening, looking at the moon and talking. One asks: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" The other replies (with eye-roll): "Hellooooooooooo! Can you see Florida from here??"
You’re From A Small Town When:
~ You can name everyone you graduated with.
~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.
~ You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field."
~ You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.
~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.
~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.
~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
The Dog
"Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us."
"Why is that?”
"They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't.”
"How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper.”
"Yeah, that's probably got something to do with it, too.”
Today’s Thought
I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was "Always."
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