Friday's Funnies

Nap Time

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

2. Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.

3. If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

4. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

5. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

6. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

7. Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

8. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

9. If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

10. Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

11. Why do people say “beans, beans, the magical fruit” when beans are vegetables?

12. If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

Expensive

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.  "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."  "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."   "Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

The Cynical Philosopher

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy

but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, you don’t have a life!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Instructions

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Husband's Estimate

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"  Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."  "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.  "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Today’s Thought

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.