Friday's Funnies

How Dare they

When John returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.  "Yeah," said John very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."  "You're absolutely right it wasn't," she said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel?!"

Support

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"  The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves."

Reliable Grandmas

If a mom says, "no," ask Grandma. If Grandma says "no," then... Wait, who are we kidding? Grandma never says, "No!"

Problem Solved

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.  "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."  Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"  When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.  Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.  Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Glossary of Medical Terms (Down-Home Version)

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than dayrates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

What It Wasn't

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a girl," came the reply.

Shorts

-        Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

-        What is the favorite month of lumberjacks? SepTIIIIMMBBEERRRR!!!!

-        The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

Hiding Out

A man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Wisdom For Long Life

-        Don't throw a brick straight up.

-        Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

-        Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

-        If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

-        No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

-        When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Today’s Thought

Have a GREAT DAY . . . unless you have other plans.