Advance Payment
Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
Student: "Tuition!"
Short Ones
Roger came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, nothing was wrong, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked Roger if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
On Her Knees
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "Wow. What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She shouted, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Actual (We're Told) Newspaper Headlines
School Daze
My daughter's history class was able to take a trip to Washington, DC, last year. She didn't seem too excited, deeming it too "educational" to be any fun. But when she returned she was bubbling over with enthusiasm and wonder and even awe as she described how they stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, staring at the Washington Monument across the reflecting pool. "Just think, Mom," she marveled, "we were standing in the exact spot where Forrest Gump stood!"
Today’s Thought
A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.
Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
Student: "Tuition!"
Short Ones
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
- When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
- At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
Roger came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, nothing was wrong, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked Roger if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
On Her Knees
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "Wow. What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She shouted, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Delusional
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Lion Tamer
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
- Nathan comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" "Not enough," he replies. "I have to go back tomorrow."
- Mom: "How did you find school today?"
Youngster: "I simply hopped off the bus — and there it was." - Mia: "I think we need a new teacher."
Mom: "Why is that?"
Mia: "Our teacher doesn't know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers." - Teacher: "Who can tell me what a 'mystery' is?"
Pupil: "A mystery is when someone colors on the table, but no one knows who did it." - Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other kids in her class what "extinct" meant. "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."
My daughter's history class was able to take a trip to Washington, DC, last year. She didn't seem too excited, deeming it too "educational" to be any fun. But when she returned she was bubbling over with enthusiasm and wonder and even awe as she described how they stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, staring at the Washington Monument across the reflecting pool. "Just think, Mom," she marveled, "we were standing in the exact spot where Forrest Gump stood!"
Today’s Thought
A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.
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