Friday's Funnies

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your dressing be tasty, may your turkey be plump

May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump

May your yams be delicious, and your pies take the prize

And may your Thanksgiving dinner, stay off your thighs!

Thanksgiving Riddles

Q: What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?
A: A goblet.

Q: I have some relatives with Mohawk haircuts, multiple facial piercings, and multitudinous tattoos. What should I serve them at Thanksgiving?
A: Punk kin pie.

Q: My neighbor served a bird that was infected with salmonella and that she had failed to cook thoroughly. With what did all her guests suffer the next day?
A: The turkey trots.

Q: Am I serving a sweet potato casserole this year?
A: I yam.

Q: Why did the first settlers have so much trouble harvesting their corn?
A: They had to make their way through the maize.

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if...

~ You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping pong table.

~ Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

~ You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

~ Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

~ Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

~ Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

~ Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

~ Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

~ You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

~ You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

~ You have an Elvis jello mold.

~ You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

Thanksgiving Weather

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 165F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
  9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
  8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
  7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
  6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
  5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
  4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
  3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
  2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
  1. You're sweating gravy.

Today’s Thought

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!