Friday's Funnies

Google's Pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please

- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber’s guide.

We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza! I already take medicine ...

-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have other sources of cash

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT??

- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.

Longevity

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.  He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Calling In

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"

Breakfast

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Sue, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Dewey, the new husband. She replied, "Toast and juice."

The Dancer

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One guest was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I would pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"

Oops

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

How Tired Are You?

·        You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Good-bye."

·        Your friends call to ask how you've been and you immediately scream, "Too busy to talk!" and hang up.

·        You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to eat.

·        Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

·        You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

·        You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your cell phone will go off before your alarm does.

Smarty

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.  A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.   The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Today’s Thought

Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing.