Friday's Funnies

Say What?

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Eventually, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"

Old Is...

• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
• If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells remain forever.

Birthdaze

~ She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth...she lies about her age.

~ She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she's shy........about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I've stopped exercising...pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He's so old....

..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.

..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors

..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked "Urgent"

Daffynitions

~ Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

~ Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

~ Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

~ Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

~ Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

~ Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

~ Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

~ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

~ Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

~ Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

~ Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

~ Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.

Driven to Distraction

I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved.  A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise." I was so excited that I swerved again.  Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO." And I swerved again and ran into a tree.  As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I careered off the road."

Seems Fair

A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back." The patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Today’s Thought

My wife and I have decided we don't want any children - if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrows