Friday's Funnies

Decluttering

I tried that Japanese practice of decluttering. You hold something and if it doesn't bring you joy, you toss it. Hey it really works! So far I've thrown out a bunch of bills, my treadmill and a lot of vegetables!

Just Asking...

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

Finance

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.  "You'll get $24," said the clerk.  "This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.  "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

You Know It's Summer in Florida When...

·         Your car is overheating before you drive it.

·         Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon

·         Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.

·         The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy."

·         More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

·         The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot.

·         You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels.

·         It's noon in August, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets.

·         You burn your hand opening the car door.

·         You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door.

·         All picnics feature hot food, like it or not.

·         The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.

Engineer

My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms were not tiled, and necessary fixtures were not installed.  I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.  Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "After September 15, all work will be supervised by five children."

Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.  The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"  The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."  “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Restless Natives

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. "Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"

The Leak

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr. Gable scowled, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

The Prerequisite

I asked the children in the Sunday School class I taught, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was feeling pretty good about their level of spiritual understanding. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Mike's Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening."  "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."  So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:  "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Today’s Thought

When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.