After Christmas
Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy, am I ever tired." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night and three today, and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are YOU so tired?" "Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."
Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy, am I ever tired." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night and three today, and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are YOU so tired?" "Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."
Q&A
Q: What do we have in December that we don't have in any other month?
A: The letter "D"!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do we have in December that we don't have in any other month?
A: The letter "D"!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Dream
Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before
the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I
just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do
you think it all means?" "Aha,
you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max
approached Gina and handed her a small package.
Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled:
"The Meaning of Dreams."
Wacky Warning Labels
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."
A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
A snowblower warns, "Do not use snowthrower on roof."
A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks."
A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."
A household iron warns users "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."
A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, "Not intended for highway use."
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."
A bathroom heater says, "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users, "May irritate eyes."
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says, "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns, "Caution - Risk of Fire."
DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."
A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
A snowblower warns, "Do not use snowthrower on roof."
A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks."
A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."
A household iron warns users "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."
A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, "Not intended for highway use."
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."
A bathroom heater says, "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users, "May irritate eyes."
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says, "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns, "Caution - Risk of Fire."
DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.
New Year’s Resolutions
The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes
everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up.
It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.
- Anonymous
My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm
gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.
- Greg Tamblyn
If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy
diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.
- Greg Tamblyn
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New
Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
- Bill Vaughan
Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a
gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.
- Greg Tamblyn
Wait a second, there's ANOTHER year? I have to do it all
over again???
- Jake Vig
Today’s Thoughts
My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending
to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.
A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one
year and out the other.
No comments:
Post a Comment