Friday's Funnies

Witty Quotes About Elections

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson

3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown

4. George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown

5. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. —George Carlin

6. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown

7. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen

Genie

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.  He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub to brush off the sand.  A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.  The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.”  "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.”  "Okay, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”  "You are a crafty little jerk," said the genie.

Public Servant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

What an Answer

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all since it is already built.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: He sleeps at night.

Q: Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A: Because he is dead.

Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It becomes wet.

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain

Q: What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be ?
A: Tomorrow

Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half.

Q: What gets wet with drying ?
A: A towel.

Q: What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q: Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A: Because it is too tired.

Aging

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because it was handicapped accessible.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before...

Today’s Thought

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.