Friday's Funnies

Job

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."   I was impressed.  In further conversation, I learned that he was "washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision."

Day Off

An employee comes into her manager’s office to ask for a day off from work.   The manager replied, "So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be if you are going to take that day off!

Jay Leno Quotes

·         I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India.

·         Thank you for coming out on such a hot day. Today was the first 100-degree day in L.A. I was sweating like a "Star Wars" fan trying to talk to a girl.

·         This new "Star Wars" is supposed to be quite good. It finally explains the transformation of how Anakin Skywalker went from being a young white boy to James Earl Jones.

·         Yesterday was "Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day." Which means today is "Stay Late At Work To Catch Up On All The Things You Couldn't Get Done Because Your Kid Was Bothering You In The Office Day."

·         Congress is now considering legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver's license. Well that should speed up that line at the DMV.

Sick Call

The elderly woman had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the flu sent her to the hospital for observation.  By the time the doctor got her settled in her room, she had managed to complain about everything: The temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.  Suddenly, she spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.  "If you need anything in the middle of the night," said the doctor, "just press that button."  "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.  "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," he replied.  "A light in the hall?!" responded the woman. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

  

A Form Letter For Spam Email

Hello (insert a misspelling of the recipient's name here),

My name is (insert has-been celebrity's name here). I'm writing to you on behalf of (insert completely unheard-of worthy cause's name here).

If you click on (insert mysterious and suspicious link here) today, not only will you donate (insert insignificant amount of money in cents here) for each click, but you'll also receive (insert ridiculously-low new mortgage rate here) and (insert phenomenal body enhancement here)!

Not only that, you'll be eligible to win a brand new (insert hot, trendy electronic gadget here), a (insert next year here) model (insert insanely expensive car brand here)! Act now, we have only (insert very low but still appealing quantity here) left to give away!

Also, if you click on (insert even more mysterious and suspicious link here) within the next (insert amazingly-soon amount of time here), you'll be entered into our drawing for (insert relatively high, but still seemingly feasible quantity of money here)! That's right, by trying out a 30-day sample of (insert new, snazzy wonder-drug here), not only will you (insert miracle of health or well-being that couldn't possibly come from previously inserted drug here), but you'll help rescue (insert practically unbelievable quantity of a relatively small country's population here) from widespread (insert globally challenging, heart-tugging disease or living condition here).

This (insert candy-coated terminology for the word "spam" here) was brought to you by (insert name of also completely unheard-of company with the word "marketing" or some other legitimate-sounding term here). If you'd like to unsubscribe from future mailings, please write to (insert P.O. Box address from either a major metropolitan city in New England or a backwoods, one-stop-sign town in the middle of nowhere). You can also click (insert one final mysterious and suspicious link designed to quadruple your "future mailings" here) to unsubscribe.

Punny

Two antennas (antennae?) met on a roof.  They fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a cafe.  The waitress says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.  The barkeep says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a diner with a slab of asphalt under his arm.  He says: "A Coke please, and one for the road."

Did you hear about the fellow who spilled root beer on his kitchen stove?  Now he has foam on the range.

Today’s Thought

If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year.