Friday's Funnies

Turnabout

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Lunch Plans

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Ice Cream

A not-so-bright man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."  The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate," "In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says.  "We have no chocolate."  "Then just give me some chocolate," he says.  Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"  The man says, "V-A-N."  "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."  "OK.  S-T-R-A-W."  "Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."  The man hesitates.  Then he says.  "There is no stink in chocolate."  "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

Punny

·         It started to rain and Noah said, "Now I herd everything." (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

·         The moonshiner artist excelled at "still" life. (Jumble)

·         A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?" The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!" (Carl Franklin)

·         Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. (Myrrdins)

But The Sign Says...

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles." The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile. When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

Not Again

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of the meat. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!" "What," says the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

Church Bulletinboard Signs

• "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
• "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

Smile of the day

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- it was, after all, the captain's parrot.  One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.  After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Real Faith

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.  "What are you doing?" he asked her.  She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

 Today’s Thought

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love their churches.