Friday's Funnies

After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"  "Well, what do you think?" I asked him.  He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper."  He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

Several thousand years ago...

Mayan one: "Okay guys I've finished the calendar!"
Mayan two: "But it only goes up to 12/21/2012"
Mayan one: "Ah don't worry about it we'll make a new one before then. I would have continued on on this stone but I ran out of room."
Mayan two: "Fair enough. Hey, imagine if people thought that the world was gonna end because you couldn't find a bigger stone."
Mayan one: "Yeah, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to think that wouldn't you?"

Health one-liners

Everyone thinks I’m a hypochondriac – it makes me sick.

I have metal filling in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen and that’s why I can’t lose weight.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

You think you have it bad. I got addicted to placebos.

Who are the most decent people in a hospital?  Answer: The ultrasound people.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

Take the health warning about sodium intake with a pinch of salt.

You should consult my doctor, you won’t live to regret it.

I’ve bought a bottle of sleeping tablets, on the label was: WARNING – may cause drowsiness.

50th Wedding Anniversary


On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

The Difference

During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What’s the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."

Recently Seen Bumper Stickers

• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• No sense being pessimistic; it wouldn't work anyway.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I'm so far behind, I think I'm ahead.

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”.  “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”  His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the soda.

Mother-in-Law Suite

Sally, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


"L" Train


One December morning, I headed down the steps to catch my subway, the "L" train. A sign on the platform declared that the line was not running, but there was bus service above-ground. I was rushing back up the stairs when I passed two women descending. "No 'L,'" I gasped as I ran by. "And a Merry Christmas to you too," they called out, continuing down the stairs.