Friday's Funnies

Inner Peace

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie and a small box of candy. I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need inner peace.

Church Football

• Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
• Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
• Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
• Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but sit.
• Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
• Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
• Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
• Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
• Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
• Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
• End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
• Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
• Halfback Option - The decision of 50 percent of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
• Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.”

Golf

The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.  He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill.  Ants went flying all over the place.  One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1.Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2.Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3.On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4.At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5.Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.’

Time to get back to the gym?

You know it is time to resume running when…
- You try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.
- Your children look through your wedding album and want to know who mom’s first husband was.
- You get winded just saying the words “10 kilometer run”.
- You come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
- You analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.
- You step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you are alone”.

On The Clock

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"

The Wedding

A wide-eyed little girl, attending her first wedding, did not miss a single detail. Afterward she asked her mother: "Did the lady change her mind? She went up the aisle with one man and came back with a different one!"

Think About It
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Shorts

• Know why a room full of married people looks so empty?  There's not a single person in it.
• Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
• What do you call a boom-a-rang that doesn't come back?  Answer: A stick!

Dilemma

Q. Who is more satisfied a man with a million dollars or a man with six children?

A. The man with six children.  The man with a million dollars wants more.