Friday's Funnies

Unqualified

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!

Untraveled

• I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
• I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
• I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
• I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

Juror

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The prosecutor asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant? The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?" "English and theater," I responded. "Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped. "No" I shot back. "You better watch your acting." When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

If I were a millionaire

“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’”  Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”  “I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

House Keeping

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping." "Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job. I don't know anything about lighthouses."

The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist

"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."

Advertising Lingo

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

Tip?

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.   To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.   "Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.   "Yep," he replied proudly, "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

4 Funny Attempts at Speaking English

English is tough to learn, as these attempts from classes in English as a second language prove:

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching."

"I never liked mushrooms, but now they are beginning to grow in me."

"Do you like your coffee cremated?"

"I usually worm up my food before I eat it.

Death

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Regular

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" She asked her customer.  "Yes, thank you." said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."