Friday's Funnies

Shopping

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.  The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???"  The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"  Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love."  "Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."

Tradition


December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt, others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.


The Gift


Three-year-old Josie was helping wrap a present for her father. While they were wrapping, her mother kept reminding her daughter about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, she proudly put it under the tree. When her father came home he saw the present immediately. He asked the little girl, "What is it?" "I can't tell," she said proudly, with a look towards Mom. "It's a surprise." "Can I shake it and guess what's inside?" asked Dad. "No," she replied, "shirts don't rattle."


The Diplomat


While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Dallas is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked Damon this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

Thank you

One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.  However, things were different the following year.  "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.  "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"  "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Swedish Extraction


My 5-year-old daughter was helping set the table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a moment and announced, "Jesus was a Swede." More than a little surprised, I corrected her, "Oh, no, dear, Jesus was born Jewish. I'll read it to you from the Bible after lunch." Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Then her face brightened. "Mommy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in Sunday school this morning." Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head."


Shopping Early


It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," said the prisoner.

Remember This At Christmas Time

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa 's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Gift Exchange

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

A Dieter's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.  Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick, I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watchers dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds, now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn, I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry: If temptation's removed, I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night in the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!