Friday's Funnies

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer?   Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer.   Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.  Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten.  The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer.  Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee."   The proof is in the song!

Cheap

Tom went out shopping for a Christmas present for his wife.  "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.   "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.  "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.  Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."  So the clerk handed him a mirror.

The Painting

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, "Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?" "Well, son," explained the father, "they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?"

Exercise one-liners

- Did my morning exercise up 1,2,3, down 1,2,3 – then with my other eyelid.

- Being part of the human race does not count as exercise.

- Hey, I’m still maintaining last year’s New Year’s resolution of one sit-up per day – getting out of bed.

- Been asked to run the London Marathon for charity but I’ve had to decline as I’ve no experience of organizing something that big.

- I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

- The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

- I have signed up with a personal trainer to get ready for swimsuit season. Need to work on my leering.

- I’ve been carbo-loading for the last 40 years in case I ever need to go on a 10,000 mile run.

- I’m on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I’ve only missed one day so far.

- People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.

- I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up weird ways to avoid physical exercise.

- I’ve just spent an hour in a stationary car and am working my way up to a stationary bike.

Timothy's Christmas Story

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.  As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”

Marketing terminology

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,

“He’s very rich. Marry him.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.

You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich. Will you marry me?”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.”

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That’s Customer Feedback!

You’re Next

A young bachelor got tired of old aunts telling him at every wedding, "You're next."  The aunts stopped it after the young man started nudging the old ladies at every funeral, winking and saying, "You're next."