TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that
would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season
though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection
Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my
gifts to charity.
1. "I really don't deserve this."
A SIGN OF THE TIMES
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and
horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my e-mail??!!"
SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS
~ Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
~ Outside a church: "The original Christmas
Club."
~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd."
~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until
Christmas."
~ In a stationery store: "For the man who has
everything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
Praying
loudly
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the
week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say
their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR
THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma
is!"
Pregnancy Q &A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Mind Over Matter
My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up; gets it backwards.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?
Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Mind Over Matter
My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up; gets it backwards.
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