Friday's Funnies

Geraniums

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"  Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Picasso

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau.  The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.  On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The Email Virus

Computer professionals are warning about a new email virus that seems especially to plague individuals born prior to 1955. Here are the symptoms:

1.    Causes you to send the same email twice.

2.    Causes you to send a blank email.

3.    Causes you to send an email to the wrong person.

4.    Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5.    Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6.    Causes you to hit "Send" before you've finished.

7.    Causes you to hit "Delete" instead of "Send."

8.    Causes you to hit "Send" when you should "Delete."

Experts call it the "C-Nile Virus." And they've found no cure. Now, have I sent this to you before? Or did you just send it to me?

Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they’ll levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.

Self-Conscious

I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous. However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look. Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.

Computer Acronyms

For those computer literate souls out there:

·         ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

·         SCSI - System Can't See It

·         DOS - Defective Operating System

·         IBM - I Blame Microsoft

·         CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

·         OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

·         WWW - World Wide Wait

·         MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

·         PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

·         COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

·         WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

·         MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Fun Answering Machine Messages

1.    "Hi." Now you say something.

2.    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

3.    Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone at the moment. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

4.    I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

5.    Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

6.    This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

7.    You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

8.    Roses are red, violets are cheap; leave your message after the beep.

Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.  "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"  "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."  "You sell them here?" the customer asks.  "Only $4 apiece," says Green.  The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.  "You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.  "Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"  "You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Today’s Thought

Did it ever occur to you that tether ball is really just a cat toy for people?