Friday's Funnies

Things Actually Said By Commentators in The World Of Soccer

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

Growing old

Three elderly men are walking through the park.  The first says, "It sure is windy."  The second responds, "No it isn't, it's Thursday."  The third says, "I am too. Let's get something to drink."

Teachers About To Retire

You know you're a teacher about to retire when...

1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh, stop smiling!"

2. You get up to the checkout counter at Barnes & Noble and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year.

3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.

4. You find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.

5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building - including the cafeteria.

6. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are and you just smile.

7. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games and a visit from Frankie the clown.

8. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.

9. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, "My son is hoping to get you next year," you just smile!

10. You reflect on all the wonderful moments you had influencing the lives of young people and helping them learn... and praying they'll have caring teachers like you next year. Smile! Those unruly, wonderful young people will be voting soon!

The Definition

Calories (noun): Tiny creatures that live inside your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

Crazy Thoughts

~ How do you throw away a garbage can?

~ Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A.?

~ Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts?

~ Why are things typed up but written down?

~ Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

~ If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

~ What does OK actually mean?

~ Why do we feel blue? And what color does a Smurf feel when he is down?

~ Why do donuts have holes?

~ Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on a calculator go the other?

~ Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?

~ If you're born at exactly midnight, is your birthday on both those days?

~ If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place," is the rock not hard?

~ If one man says, "It was an uphill battle," and another says, "It went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

~ Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

~ Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

~ Why is the abbreviation for pound "lb." when the letters L or B aren't even in the word pound?

Today’s Thought

Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?